I really wish there was some way to record my thoughts while they are occurring, i really have the best stream of consciousness when i have no access to any recording device, like just a few minutes ago, rocking Gavin and staring into his sweet face, my mind just starts to go, and halfway through i think "this is some good stuff, i need to remember this" but you know you never will remember it word for word. So here is my best attempt to re-write my current thoughts of today..which i just realized, my best, deepest thoughts come right around this time, caffeine has done its magic, i took in the news, put the baby to bed and now I'm ready to go!
Glamorous. I thought of this word as an opposite for what I feel my life is right now. Not in a bad way or anything, and I'm quite happy with how my life has panned out, but reading friends blogs, and looking at their facebook pages and updates, seeing world travelers (actually its the video on u-tube: where the hell is Matt?, that kinda started this train of thought) performers, oversea livers, skydivers and so on made me think of how normal my life is..now me and normal have never really seemed to go together, but looking at me now, I'm pretty damn normal. I see people impacting the world, living green and being contributors, and i guess i am doing some things, but its hard to see what impact i have being the suburban wife, in my ridiciously suburban home, with my 2 kids, an SUV, teaching high school science. Now, i impact kids on some level, sure, but i always feel like i want to go to the next level. And its kinda intimidating to know just how small of a fish you and in this big ass pond...so I'm sitting with Gav thinking all of this, how I want to be an awesome mom that my kids are proud of and say "my mom is, did....." and realized in the time it took for me calm my sad bebe, that I am EVERYTHING to them, I am all the goodness and coolness and no matter how plain i view myself, i am pretty kick ass to my kids. I am their big fish. And then i got over how "normal" my life is, I have a shit ton of time to travel and do worldly things, but right now, its my time to wipe tears (and butts), to hug, kiss, cry, laugh, play, run, and immerse myself in a childhood, to create memories, to give and teach my kids all i know so that one day they will be an awesome woman and man. Hows that for impact. Damn, i made myself cry...
So then I started to think about what I want to do, to be better at, just stuff...
1. Better time management, this will make all the rest happen.
2. Sewing/knitting: okay, closer to the sewing part, have a machine, just lack the time to work on it...knitting b/c i feel like its the next logical thing after sewing..
3. Have a fantastic veggie garden, we have proved ourselves with tomatoes and peppers...
4. Making jelly and jams..G.G does this now, along with the sewing and knitting, but sad as it is, she will not be here forever, and i feel that I cant let the family down...
5. Travel and experience different culture, i want my kids to see the world with me...so this might not be I'm my immediate future, we are teachers for gods sake and the bebes are little, so we will start locally!
6. I want to love where I live...love the house, but quakertown? really??? and we are not leaving, so i have to make the best out of it...
7. I want to create, get back into the arts, be a part of something..i dunno..this one just came to me
8. redecorate my entire house...but don't have an eye for it at all, so either need to learn, or need help!!
9. do charity work for children, feed starving babies in under developed countries, make kids fighting to stay alive smile and laugh
10. i want to be an amazing woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher and if i cant change the entire world, id like to change just a little part of it.
On my first day teaching, a male teacher said to me "look at you coming in, you think you can save the world don't you" and i looked at him dead in the eye, and said " i think i can" and he gave a little laugh and said "that's why i love new teachers, they think they will save em all" I can honestly say to myself today, getting ready to start, what my 8th year teaching...I still try. I don't get one every year, I think I got 1 so far that I can honestly say that I worked my ass off trying to help, and hes better b/c of it, but there is the hope that I will come across 1 kid that will want my help, will want me to guide them, and will be better because of it...and to Mr. Bland, who was the teacher who laughed at me b/c i wanted to "save the world", a nice middle finger for you...
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You are right- you are making Such a difference to your own kids- suburban or not! I think *your* settled and comfortable life sounds glamours compared to life as a student.
ReplyDeleteAs for your students- think about how often over the years you've thought about teachers that you might have never counted as your favourite...There will be tons of students out there who think you've made a difference even if you can't see!
Welcome to blogging,
Brandi
Glamour is the sparkle of the surface that catches your eye and distracts from what is the simple truth...the smoke and the mirrors...the secret of the magic show.The most desirable life to lead is one that is rich without riches... One that is complete at the end of each day. Your impact on the world is much more significant and reaches further than miles or individuals. A life like yours is coveted by many world travelers and celebrities alike. The fact that you strive for more is just a natural desire. It's evidence that you are aware of your own influence and will continue to touch those around you with inspiration and beauty. Lucky for your children, they will never starve for love or attention and will never need glamour to validate them.
ReplyDeleteAw sugar, how well I can relate to your whole post. How many times have I thought the same things? Time seems to fly by, we watch our little monkeys grow in an endless stream of laundry, sweeping, Target runs, dinner making, "face (and Butt) wiping" (LOVED THAT) and wonder how are we ever gonna find a little corner of the world to make a difference in. Funny, how stepping into those mommy shoes takes time to break in. After five years of marriage, and two years as a mommy have I really started to get that perfect fit. And from what I could witness, you have a perfect fit too! Mia is the picture of happy, polite, loving and imaginative. Gavin is precsious and delish all at the same time. And, you and hubby man have that sweet unspoken communication and inside joke banter that is so fun to watch. Glad to see you blogging sister!
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the few that make me happy that I work where I work.
ReplyDelete