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What's that sound? Oh...peace and quiet

So, again, visiting the blog only to realize, I suck at blogging....Today I blame it on the IEP! Yes, an IEP is the reason I do not blog as I should or want....that damn IEP or should I say THOSE damn IEP's suck the typing life outta my fingers. I do not want to write any more at the end of the day, and when the kiddies are home, there is no down time. So I will do what any mother would do when she is home sick and her kids are still at daycare....I will blog!!!

Family: Let me see....recently I got into an argument with my sister, well, it was more like me getting irritated at her and FREAKING out, throwing cheese and storming out of the house. BUT, the best part is right after the door slammed, I was told that the entire house was quiet, and Mia chimes in "awkward" in a sing song voice....love her! My Mia, wow! Kindergarten! She was made for school, but I worry that she was made for private school, b/c I am a little concerned with her need for immediate reinforcement. She constantly needs to hear she is doing well, that it looks great or something positive....if she has a hard time with something, or does it wrong, its like cutting off her arm. "I cant do anything right" " I am horrible at drawing stars" "How come you can draw this so well and mine is awful".......really, I am going to start writing and drawing left handed b/c I can't take it anymore. She is so serious sometimes! She was assigned the old lady in her Christmas show of "the gingerbread man"....I get excited, want to make her an outrageous outfit, put powder in her hair.....I'm all into it....she cries...........WTF! She said "I dont want to be funny mom, people will laugh at me"...."Why can't I just be a cat, that is a better part anyway"...in reality, the kid was picked to be that part b/c she can be trusted to know what to say, when to say it, and will be a perfectionist....the damn cat just meows.....that is a stupid part! But, Mia will read "Pigeon wants a Puppy" in the funniest voice to me, but that is only between us. She flipped when I was looking through pics on shutterfly and came across an adorable pic of her reading a book, in her underwear, in her grandparents backyard. Its a great pic....she said "Oh MOM! Did you put that on Facebook?", "That is an awful picture, IM NAKED". She was laying on her stomach, head propped up, reading! We have gone through a bit of a rough patch, where I honestly was more irritated by her on a daily basis than not. But she has come around again, and I feel like we are making more connections. For awhile, I am pretty sure she hated me....I will be there again, but for now, she is my sweet girl, who does the BEST chipmunk voice!

Gavin. Oh what does a mother say about her son? I am sure I said this before, but I get the whole mother son thing now, its weird, but geeze I love that kid. He is a momma's boy for sure. I feel like it has taken him a little longer than expected language wise, but everyday he is saying things that crack me up! He LOVES Mumford and Sons at extremely loud volumes, usually making Mia cry (b/c she is sensitive). He still has a love/hate thing with Mia. Is obsessed with the dogs (which makes me nervous, b/c Max's life span is still questionable, I hope he holds on a little while longer, so a least Gavin can understand). He wants to do everything that is "big boy" and tries to be independent every day! Today he put on his rain coat without help....he thought that was "SUPER COOL"....Personally, super cool is the fact that he is completely potty trained before being 3. He wakes up every night to "come and see me"....I try to explain that Mommy is okay, and I really just need to stay in my bed....and I put his DMB CD on repeat, so hopefully if he does wake up, he stays in bed b/c his music is still playing. Last night was night 1 of staying in his bed...we have done this count down for months, the longest we have made it was 2 nights in a row.

ME: Sinus infection, been sick for 3 weeks, feel like i have been hit by a truck, but still going. I like to fall asleep when i put the kids to bed between 730 and 8, usually wake up around 9 to shower and do the night time prep for the next day, then go back to bed....Im over it and hope these meds work!! I ran a half marathon, training was okay, didnt train as hard as i could, but that seems to be a common thread with me....I really dont push myself, i will try harder on that. So the racing season is done until spring. I still run with my "running club" (special ed kids who, with the help of my running buddy and teacher friend), we coach on Tuesdays. I need to build strength and speed. On the horizon: Broad Street, hopefully a sprint Tri in June (Indepencdance) with Lynn, another Half in the fall and a Tough Mudder is in the game plan. May just end up doing a mud run first, but I REALLY wanna do a Mudder.

Life: Well I have learned that life is short. I have always known it, but with the recent passing of a dear friends husband, and the knowledge that a co-worker is at the end of his time, not only has me a little freaked out, makes me question a whole lot of stuff. That is for a whole other blog.

School: Consumes me. I wish it didnt. I wish I could leave at 2:35....I wish I planned for my class tomorrow, I am getting observed.....that is what the last minute if for right? Ugh, I have learned that if you do something well, you will be given MORE to do....somehow that logic seems messed up.

Now, I have written all I can in my predetermined time frame. Time to save and get the kids....and maybe do some school work???? Yeah, most likely NOT!

Disconnected

I rarely am at a loss for words....but more and more I find myself here. I'm currently in a state of shock, disbelief (which really is stupid), and just hurt. I keep a few close friends. Always have, always will. And I may not be the best day to day friend; I suck at calling people and making plans, I get easily distracted by my own life that I fail to recognize that others lives have continued...not that I think everyone will remain in the situation I last saw them in, but I have a hard time just being aware. When it does hit me that, wow! I have been out of the loop....I try to reconnect. Everyone who KNOWS me, understands this and if I am needed, they know I can be counted on to be there....I will drop everything to love and support a person who I have placed in my heart. And while some people may not be "long cries over coffee" friends, most people who I have had close contact with, reap the benefits of my friendship with out my emotional drama...maybe they are the smart ones!

I constantly fight the friendship battle with myself...and with eric...but mostly with myself. I am so guarded, that it takes me such a long time to make a connection...like years. So those established friends are my life line. Its where I go if I have lost part of myself on this road of life, or need familiarity, or just to be reminded that there are people who will stay...not everyone goes away...For awhile I didn't care, my "friend meter" was full...I was content...Then they started dropping like flies..okay, that's drastic, some were dropped, but its still the same feeling of loss. When I make the decision to cut the line, its for self preservation....to give me time to heal. On a few occasions, I have opened back up to allow re-entry...and am thankful for those who came back. Some are lost forever...and I feel like that is where I am now.

When denied the ability to comfort and support in a time of need, what is left of a friendship. In a time of sorrow, confusion, and anger, you are suppose to look towards those who have been around for say....over 15 years.....to hold you up. maybe it was my distorted view on the situation, maybe I was more reliant on a friendship, thus thinking it was stronger than it was...its what Im thinking...which angers me and makes me feel like a fool....I have fought for this, and to be tossed aside hurts. and i dont like to be hurt...b/c if that was me, the first place I would turn is to the people who have been there the longest...

So now Im at the fork in the road where I have to decided what to do....I hate this place, its where my head and heart do not agree, and my brain usually wins b/c my heart is too fractured. I wish cutting ties was as easy as deleting email addresses, phone numbers and facebook friends. I wish I could flip a switch so I could just not think about it....having a family helps, at least im distracted, but I always have time to have passing thoughts.

So what was my point in this post...Only a few people read it...Thanks guys....I usually don't blog for any other purpose than to vent....and get occasional feedback from FAR AWAY friends who understand that keeping in contact despite the busy life we all lead is important, and for that, you are dear to me!!!! I write to feel lighter, to provide a light for someone who may feel in the dark...what ever the reason, its to establish a connection....why am i so disconnected?

So I am home alone today...I had my last personal day for school, and REALLY needed some time alone to do all the adult things that need to be done, plus my final grad school paper, and process the last few months. I feel somewhat guilty, as I drop the kids off at daycare, Mia CLEARLY knowing that I am not going to school in my running shorts and flip flops, but I still maintain the morning routine. At least I am consistent with that!

I am procrastinating right now. I have to pay bills, and organize all that "stuff", and I am really not looking forward to seeing how much money we actually dont have. I still can not wrap my head around how two people can make a decent salary, but come up short every month...its heartbreaking, and tiring, and I am ready for this phase of life to end. We are usually right on budget, however with Eric's tutoring job ending in April, and me not having a contract, the budget got majorly screwed....so if things are a little late, I guess they are late. But it still upsets me that we work so hard, and this monetary elephant is in the room. There has to be some relief with financial stability right? I look forward to the day that I can buy myself a pair of shoes and not feel super guilty...

Grad school is quickly ending...for now. My graduation audit has been approved and once this class is over, I officially have my masters degree in education! The sad part is, no one really gives a shit, which is fine, b/c the course work was not that difficult, just time consuming, and doing it with 2 kids and a husband that commutes two hours a day, did add extra stress on life. Its funny, I told my one student, who was nervous about walking at graduation, that this was the only time in life people clapped and cheered for your accomplishments, so live it up now! Okay, so its partially my fault for not walking in my masters graduation ceremony...but come one, hook a sista up there family!!! I should not complain yet, I still have 2 more classes and its not "official" yet...I should give them a chance, but I wont hold my breath! Today my final paper is on my list of things to do...

Life, geeze it moves so fast. I try to stop and look around, but its really hard. Ive lost my motivation to run...as i sit here and type, i think "its nice out, you have no kids, go out and run"..but i feel the need to sit here and type more than lace up and pound the pavement. There is always an opportunity to run (thanks to the free tread mil from jake and janice!) but the emotional purge is priority today.

I am slightly wounded (okay, more than slightly) by the actions of others on a daily basis, and I am becoming concerned with why these thoughtless acts are upsetting me. I am usually a pretty tough cookie, but when people who i care about, clearly dont care back...well it bothers me. And my reaction is to try to pull and pry reason out..but I dont think that is beneficial, b/c in the end, when I get nothing, i am not only upset about the behavior, but now the lack of effort to fix things. I think its easier to package up my feelings on some people and put them away in a closet, maybe i will revisit, maybe they will collect dust, but when years and years of heart have been ignored, i need self preservation...it would be a lot easier if i was not constantly reminded of people...GO AWAY and leave me to my peace...some say out with the old and in with the new...my problem is i really like the old, and there is too much life to catch a new up on....

School has been rough. Co-teaching is a blessing and a curse. I am lucky to personally like all 3 of my co-teachers, they are great guys, all with good hearts and are really smart. But sometimes having to deal with 3 men all day, then go home to hubby...my compromise has run out...not to mention that my kids suck the life outta me...this year has been intense...while i am sad to have my kids go, i am ready for them to fly the nest....this momma bird is exhausted..

Real life kids are great! Mia graduated pre-k and makes me so proud. Once I get video uploaded I will share, there is nothing more precious than having a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds singing "proud to be an American"...seriously heartwarming and wonderful. She is ready for kindergarten...i can not believe how amazing she is. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful little girl.

Gavin is becoming his own person, and its funny to watch him figure life out. He is going to be difficult, but luckily he is so cute! Finally we have meaningful language, and while he is difficult to understand, we can hold a conversation. It was really hard the last few months, he wants to talk, but was almost "stuck"...Mia was so verbal at such a young age, Gav is just not, he gets what he wants by physically taking it. Now we are working on listening skills...or attempting to. I have found that reminding him has helped..for example this morning we woke up and I was attempting to get him dressed, he was running around like a crazy man, I said "remember how we said you were going to listen and do what you were told"...and like a switch, he came over and got dressed with no issues?! what is that? Right now I am waiting on the pedi to call back, daycare just called, he has had a bloody nose for 45 minutes...he needs a bubble and its making me crazy. If its not a cough/asthma, its an ear infection or bloody noses...im so sad for him b/c i dont know what to do. We have an allergist appt on the 27th, so hopefully that will help...He is a geat kid, as difficult as he can be, he loves being outside, and playing and i am excited to explore with im this summer...I finally feel like we can go on adventures, he is pretty much potty trained, id say 95% of the time (including nights)...i think it was so quick and easy b/c it was something that he had total control over...and once i dropped the rope and let him go he did great. So much for stickers and timers, I just had to give him underwear and leave the bathroom door open!!

Okay, so I should stop and do some of my work before the pedi (or daycare) calls back. If I have to take this kid to the emergency room on my day off, i will take it as karma, or gods way of saying...ahahhahaha sucka, you're a mom, no alone time for you.

Runners take your mark!

So, it has been some time since I did any blogging...when faced with the question: do I shower or should i sit on my butt, upload some tunes for my run, and blog? the answer was very clear...who needs to shower anyway?

"Ready, Ready, Ready, Ready to Run"...."all Im ready to do is have some fuuuuunnn"...okay, not so sure the Dixie Chicks were talking about a 10 miler, but I am!! I am sitting here with a mixture of positive nervous energy. I did a short 2 mile to take the edge off, and I have to say that it worked...so, if you have a lot of pent up emotion (good, bad or ugly) DO SOMETHING! it really does help! So the "Broad Street Run"...10 miles through the city with 30,000 die hard (ish) runners. I cant imagine being in the front, I would gess there are less than 100 people in the "professional" corral, so 29,000 people running after you, that would make me run! I have been trying to work on the mental aspect of a long run. I have avoided using my mp3 (mostly cause i have a great running buddy who talks and doesnt mind that i hardly answer back, and my mp3 is GHETTO), in efforts of working through the self talk of "holy crap this is hard" "you can stop now and just take a break, you need a break" and "who are you trying to beat, just stop"....I really have poor self motivation when it comes to running. I love doing it when im doing it, but getting there and sticking with the long runs takes strength that I do not have much of. I am more of the...yeah, im tired, id rather sleep, kinda runner...so, motivation to get me through 10 miles of Philadelphia road running (my knees will heart me later)...First and foremost, the reason behind the run, American Cancer Society. And while I can make a pretty good list of people who I know have been faced with this beast, there are really 3 people who I constantly think of on my race. 1. My dad: lost the battle, but is always cheering me on, and I run to hear his voice (run angie run-could be a surpressed softball memory, but Ill take it) 2. Spencer-Beck: again, such a fighter, but fight she did and I am still amazed by her strength, her nobility and her ass kickin attitude, I hear her screaming (HANDSMACKER move your ass). and 3. Bobby C: the strongest little boy I know, he fought and won, and is an amazing kid to know, and is a kid that I look at frequently and think, "I hope Gavin is just like you". Without the support and funding, he may have not made it, so if my running gives more kids a chance...sign me up. To help on the motivation end, I signed up to run for an army soldier who is currently stationed over seas. Didnt cost me a thing, and I thought, hey its the least I can do. So my thought on that is: this person (i really wish I had a name/face) made the choice to serve our country, made the choice to be away from loved ones and put their life in possible danger for millions of people they will never see, or get thank yous from...I will do my best because they are doing theirs.

I run for my kids, because God forbid, they need special medical attention, because I want to show them that even if you dont "win", trying your best is still awesome, because I want them to see that being healthy and doing things that are difficult are a huge part of life. I really wish they could be at the finish line....seeing their faces at the Phillies 5k took all the negative thoughts away. I understand why they are not...an hr+car ride, to attempt to navigate though 30,000+ with 2 kids, having to take subways/and walk blocks....maybe if they were older. My sisters will be there, it will mean alot seeing them, and they are in my filing cabinet of motivation, b/c i want them to see me being strong, and again, what if they need help from the research this run is funding?

So me and running, we have come a long way. Its been 16 years since I started running distances over 2 miles, and there have been many days when i cursed and hated it, and cried and sworn that i would never do it again. But it has become a part of who I am. I may not be the best runner, the fastest, the strongest, but I am a runner. My body feels it more now, but bounces back. When I use to ignore aches and pains and wait til they went away, I know listen to my body, back off when I need to, try to push it when its ready, but I listen, and I guess that comes with maturity, b/c i kinda need to stay in working order!

What I am most excited for is running with Mia. She is showing an interest. the other day she said "hey mom, I wanna run a 65k with you and daddy"....I said, "mia, a 65k is really far, do you mean a 5k?" She said "yeah, whatever you guys run, I wanna run it with you, can we start to practice?"...well sure thing! I am going to start with her 1/4 mile at a time. She has the legs for it, was the fastest around the bases today at Tball (that could have been from being about 2 inches taller than everyone and having long legs), but she was the fastest and didnt even look like she was trying that hard (exactly how I got into running in hs, saunders saw me running at softball tryouts and said, "if you dont make it here, i need you over there(pointing to the track)" Is a 5k too much for a 5 year old??? We will do some mile fun runs this summer.

Whats next? Oh man, I have the looming desire to do a half marathon...at this point, whats another 3.1 miles? the problem is finding time to do the long runs, so I think I will wait until the fall and work on long runs during the summer. Id also love to do a tri, the bike part scares me the most...the swimming is kinda scary, but its just my body i need to coordinate. the bike, that is a piece of equipment and im not very good at sports with equipment! I hope to hit up some yard sales and find a cheap bike...gotta start somewhere!

Well, I have sat here and typed away, kids are still sleeping so I will get some time to eat in peace, then off to either a baseball game or a park!!

Holy Metaphor Eric Carle

Sometimes the strangest (or not so strange but totally deep) thoughts come to my head...and while I may let them "flutter" around for awhile, eventually they must come out. So since forever (really 10th grade, so ummm....16 years or so) I have linked my dad to butterflies. If you know me, you know at one time it was a mild obsession, and i would grab any butterfly related object...I am not really sure why exactly I equated butterflies and my dad. But ever since I did, they brought a sense of calmness to my environment. Leading me to tramp stamp one on my back (more to come on that later...remember all my thoughts, while essentially random, do relate back to one another)

....did i ever mention how my whining/dying dog stifles my creative writing, and while I think I'm a selfish, heartless bitch for typing that part, its still true...so he just drug his ass (literally) over here so I could pick him up...will do, his days are numbered, and while that too makes me a little sad, I am not sure about his quality of life these days...but I need two hands to type Max!

Where is this metaphor you speak of? Okay, it sounds dumb when I say it aloud, but I am sure when I explain it...the deepness will be overpowering (or not)...I am the very hungry caterpillar....totally, awesome right...okay, not so much, but let me go on with my explanation, and maybe I can get some help refining my big statement!

"In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf"

On Sunday morning the warm sun came up, and POP, out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar. He went to look for some food."

Caterpillars survive on instinct. There is no mommy and daddy butterflies leading them through the obstacles of life, they don't run (or scoot, or inch) their way to a parental figure to get comfort when something bad happens. And that is how I view my childhood. Okay, so my mom was not a complete cold and evil bitch, only sometimes. But when it came to emotions and figuring stuff out, she wanted us to learn on our own, to figure it out based on previous experiences, on instinct. She trusted (i think) that we were given the essentials to make the appropriate decisions in life that would lead us down a respectable path. She said she would never be mad at our decisions (ummm okay mom) but we "disappointed" her when she didn't like what we did or how things turned out, b/c in the end it was our decision...and maybe that's were I get my issues with disappointment..my psycho analysis is pretty damn amazing!

My "food" was emotion. I was always full of it and never had enough. I guess in a way I am still that way. I was always over reacting to little things, under reacting to the big stuff, and all the time looking and hoping for someone to show me the emotion i was feeling. I always felt out of place, out of sync, out in the cold, and in the dark. I was never good enough to be the best, but then again, i never tried all that hard....fear of disappointment...pretty sure.

So as the tiny caterpillar ate, and ate and ate....I did too. And as I took in all the emotion, I stopped expelling it and just held it in....never hold it in...that goes for poop too!!

"He wasn't hungry anymore, and he wasn't a tiny caterpillar. He was a big, fat caterpillar." My emotional binge and purge hit its peek when my dad died, I could not handle any more emotion. At that time, I had no outlets, no one to talk to, so emotional purging was not an option...I am an excellent emotional bulimic these days....So with no where to put it, I shut down.

"he built a small house, called a cocoon, (Ps. Eric Carle...wish you would have said chrysalis)around himself. He stayed inside for more than two weeks."

Two weeks, two months, two years...twelve years...who knows, but I think I slowly started to nibble out, and as light hits the butterfly little by little, I started to feel again. I let things affect me. I feel more resilient, more reliant, and I really don't care about how others view me (most of the time). The process and change that turns a caterpillar into a butterfly is pretty amazing, it has to completely redefine itself. And while that pupa is "in between" it has time to get its act together...now there is no way I have my "act together" but i think I am pretty much all one piece. It takes me some time to get it all ironed out, but pump enough fluids into my wings, dry me out and I'm good to go...

" I am a beautiful butterfly" (thank you Heimlich from A Bug's Life...) "I am flying and from way up here you all look like little ants"

Not sure if I am complete "a butterfly", but I am on my way I guess...It makes sense to me now. And like all things in nature, nothing ever stays the same. I was thinking about this in the shower, about what is the most sturdy, strongest thing I can think of in nature. A rock came to my mind, but if put under enough pressure and heat, that rock can change too...There is always a way to make something change and little to prevent things from ever changing, just depends on how fast you want the process to happen...

Which leads me to the question: Can you make people change? So many times we hear people say "ah, they'll never change". Maybe you are not applying enough heat and pressure? Maybe there is not enough internal "hormone" to cause it to change...but really find me something that NEVER changes...

Maybe that's why I am always attracted to things that change. The ocean (love oceans, not a big fan of lakes....sure lakes can change, but not as often as oceans), I have had a minor obsession with drawing trees, mostly deciduous, and there is usually a lady in the trunk...Why? b/c to make it through the winter, these trees have to loose all their beauty, drop their leaves, just to survive. And once they get enough sunlight, they begin to grow again...maybe that's me too on some level.

Leading me back to the tattoo...A butterfly on my lower back. Yes, I have a tramp stamp...luckily it holds a wealth of meaning (see above) and when I got it, I was not as clear on its pure meaning, when I got it, it was b/c butterflies made me happy and reminded me of my dad. So now I want to add to it, modify the design maybe, but make it more of a representation of how I view it as a symbol for my life...essentially i would have all the stages, but I want to avoid having it look like a page out of a science text book. In my perfect world (and thanks to a dream that was inspired by the cover of "the girl with a dragon tattoo" and maybe Angelina Jolie) I would have a tree up one side of my back...holy cow that HUGE....and in my head its badass, but could I pull it off?? of course, the tree would show its change from winter, to spring, to summer then to fall.....Thankfully I have some tattoo artists in my family....but the planning to make it happen is a little overwhelming.

So that was my purge today....maybe I should change my blog to "emotional bulimia starts here"

To blog, or not to blog.....is it even a question?

Here is my issue with a blog, I tend to want to write all my inner most feelings, and while that may not be totally appropriate, I find it difficult to type and leave out what irking me. So I try to write with a filter on, which does not really work for me. Writing is a way that I get all that emotion out, if your reading this you know me and there is a whole lotta emotion just bubbling under the surface. Good, bad, indifferent, its all there and what comes out depends on the day, the weather, my mood, the planetary alignment or direction of the wind. today i am a whole bunch of everything, or maybe I am just not sure what I am....something is in there attempting to find a channel out, but its not sure which to take.

What i love about blogging is that if you read these and you dont know me, its pretty much annoying....so those who read (Pretty much only Heather!) obviously understand me and can hear my tone, so you get it...and Im totally ADD so you appreciate how that comes across in text. People who dont know me cant follow...not that they will never learn, its just difficult for the "average" person to get me....not enough people "get me" and Im starting to think its an issue with them, not me....

I was thinking about ADD today, not my ADD, but ADD (clinically I should say ADHD, which I apparently have the H that i didnt know about, I thought i was just an energetic, silly person, my pshyc said that someone my age isnt typically this energetic and silly...i said "but dr, its just my personality, and Id really hate to loose that, and she said "and the H is part of your personality, you are a classic ADHD combined type....hmmm, all this time i thought i was just easily distracted) okay, back to where I was....on a whole, i was thinking about ADD and how its affected/shaped/changed/helped/hindered my life. Clearly I was always ADHD....CLEARLY, but never treated, and I think I turned out pretty okay, I coped, just like any old person would cope with "imperfections".....and I didnt seek "help" (aka..adderoll) until my ways negatively impacted others (eric and mia), and i wondered how different I would have been if my mom saw what was going on and did something about it...would things be different??? Im not sure. I can honestly say that Im glad I never had the opportunity to use my "issues" as a crutch, and while today I can see how it impacts my life, I would never say..."oh man, sorry, forgot my meds" or "well due to my impulsivity, I cant help blurting my true feelings out"....so many of my students use it as a crutch, and that pisses me off

Hahah...love my train of thought, I never know where its going to take me. Whats difficult is explaining the feeling of always coming up short. I always feel one step behind, always feel like im rushing, always feel like i missed something, or forgot something, and being a mom makes is soooo much worse. Inadequate is a good word, I always...always feel like im not doing it (life) as good as everyone else...even though in can see that I am, I still feel like im falling behind. How do you explain that? I am usually okay with that on some scale, I guess i have grown accustom to feeling "behind", but when i saw that i was forgetting stuff for mia, or screwing up bills, that kinda sent out warning flags that something needed to be done...so i medicated. Sure, with my raging hormones, I probably dont need any drugs in my system, but i have to say, when i started them, it was like a weight was lifted...and i take my meds daily...not according to dr. orders (she says 2 times a day) b/c i forget my second does....which i should really start to remember b/c i feel a huge difference in my ability to handle life when im on it....

Which leads me to other forces that impact my life....
work: well that can just ruin me for the week, and i do a pretty good job at leaving work at work for the most part, but physically leaving it is one thing...the emotional stress tends to stick with me, and that makes me sad. I wish i didnt have to take it so personally...maybe i shouldnt and its my fault.
home: i miss when eric was home shortly after i got home. we would either cook dinner together, or one of us would watch the baby while the other cooked, it was easy. Coming home with 2 kids, and attempting to make dinner stresses me out (medicated or not)...im not the best cook, and if i have time to focus and not be interrupted, thats one thing...but 2 kids, so yeah...add to it a dog that wont walk, dirty dishes in the sink, another dog who likes to chew everything...im about to jump off the cliff when eric comes home...and he wonders why im stressed?

I never was one to look for pity (unless it was in 5th grade playing kick ball an id twist my ankle), but just once I would like to be recognized for all that I do (like every other working mom im sure), but to have real honest to god appreciation for it all. And im not the best at everything, and i honestly dont think i ever could be, but for just someone to really notice. And mothers day doesnt count, i dont want to be recognized only on mothers day...i dont do shit on mothers day...

See now my inner "whats really bothering me" is coming out, and I kinda dont think i want to blog about all that...so I will stop here...my next mission: mom of 2 seeks mom friend, cause at one point in time, i had some friends...

What I want!

So here is a sort of bucket list that keeps popping into my mind. I wrote it down once over the summer on a trip to the Outter Banks. We were coming from the Schaffers in Wilm, and if you have ever driven from Wilm to OBX, there is NOTHING...so I decided to make my bucket list. Well that list was lost, big surprise when you write it on some random piece of paper. So I thought this was a good place to store it, and b/c I am procrastinating. I should be writing an IEP for the upcoming week, but its the last day of Christmas break and I have a raging headache, so writing a kids IEP is not top on my priority list...

1. Get financially situated. Yeah, I know, doesn't everyone. But I feel like I am soo late on this. For living a big girl life, my finances could be a lot better. Whats upsetting is that its not like we are frivolously spending on things we dont need. We are pretty damn responsible when it comes to spending, but we kinda started from zero when we moved back, so we were a family of 3 (almost 4) and making the same as teachers fresh out of college with out family obligations. Finally I feel like its SLOWLY getting better. But I kinda think at 30...oops 31, I should have a savings account? All in due time I guess. Daycare is getting cheaper, and will eventually go away.

AHHH blogging while Mia is awake is annoying...the kid does not stop talking!

2. Disney. Yep, I am so excited to take the kids to Disney. Gavin is easily excited about most things, Mia will be so fun. In my perfect world, we would surprise them on Christmas and leave the next day. We will see.

3. Tropical Vacation to rain forest and volcanoes. This could be accomplished this year if Costa Rica goes through, if not....a Hawaiian Vacation with Eric will do...

4. Travel across country in a camper with the family. A caravan of family and friends would also be awesome, I am think when Gavin is at least 4 or 5. This would maybe need to happen twice, or else thats a long ass trip. I would like to see the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, The Great Redwoods, Mount Rushmore, Glacier National Park, Bear Tooth, Half Dome, and tons of other places. Might need a northern trip, then a southern trip...and it seems like a lot of planning, which I am not too fond of.

5. Travel to the mother land....Italy

6. Run a half and full marathon

7. Do a triathlon, all three events.

8. Ride horses on the beach

9. Swim with dolphins

10. Rock climb, like with ropes and stuff

11. Volunteer in a 3rd world country

12. Help with animal relief efforts in some part of the world

13. Go to Alaska

14. Hang out with storm chasers in the field

15. Find more time for artistic outlets.

16. Get invisalign.

17. Practice yoga weekly

18. Improve my time management (as i sit here working on IEP's and a blog)

19. I want to live on the water....maybe Gulf Coast of Fl? I think I would really love to have a lagoon in my backyard. I can't figure out my perfect place to live...let me describe it and if you can give me some places, I would be thankful. Requirements are: on a moving body of water (preferably salty), water to air temp is suitable for swimming if the mood strikes me, access to wooded areas for walks/hiking, temperature is rarely lower than 60. Im thinking this is California, but Ive never been there, and the Pacific is cold..

20. Donate my body to science....once Im dead. Kinda weird? But this is my thought. I'm dead, rather then sticking me in an expensive box and putting me in the ground to decompose, give away what you can of me....let others learn and discover and create with my help....and then put whats left (if anything) in a pine box, put me and my remains near a big tree, but in the sun.

I will add to this as things come to my head, but my headache is finally subsiding and I should finish my school work....