my return from the depths of adulthood, starting with dinner

Another blogging failure in the books, I think the last time I blogged anything was almost a year ago.  How fast a year goes when you are living moment to moment!  So, with that, I decided WE needed a date night.  Called for a sitter on Sunday, confirmed Tuesday.  I knew where I wanted to go, this little organic  restaurant in Perkasie, we've seen this place before, reviewed their menu, but never managed to get there.  So this was it....do I need reservations?  Eric looked it up Friday, and they did not open til 5pm....so I called around 3, surely there was SOMEONE there doing prep work, and luckily enough, secured reservations for 6.

Now, my after school life is rather overwhelming.  I am watching my friends kid in the afternoon, as she is watching Mia in the morning (no before and after care payments!! yippy), so I have 3 kids after school.  The biggest problem I have right now with this is going from crazy work brain, to crazy mom brain, with no time between to decompress.  To be honest, I pour a glass of wine about 3 nights a week around 4:30, as soon as we come in from the bus stop, as I'm getting kids snacks and such.  Some days are smooth sailing, when buses arrives as planned and kids are in good moods.  Occasionally its insanity, like the day the dogs pooped and puked on the floor, its pouring, Mia gets off the bus in tears, Gavin kicks Mason (the "rental" kid), and Mason's appetite can not be satisfied and I'm a short order cook/snack prepper.....Anyway, on THIS day, it was beautiful outside, but I had snack on the table and ready to go before even leaving for the bus stop.  Eric gets home and I realize that our sitters may not make it in time for our reservations, so I call and am assured we will be on time.   That's good, now kids want to ride bikes (but I don't have one for Mason) and the neighborhood girl and her mom are also hanging out, despite my mentioning of dinner reservations, she is still talking to me about kids and school stuff (I guess this is what moms do at bus stops, casually chat while their kids play together...is this how friends are made?  UGH, so no time for this, but I am attempting to be more social, so I agree to let kids play til 5, sitting on the electrical box outside chatting it up with a mom whom I have very little in common with, other than we both have first grade daughters).

Okay, 5 pm, say bye to the neighbors, clean up bike and scooters and herd kids inside to play.  In my head, I have every intention of getting myself prettied up.....so 6547 things occur and its now 5:30, Mason is being picked up, I'm still looking like a hot mess.  So I quick check the FB page of Maize to see what my dress requirements are, cause now I have to readjust my "pretty" since I have 15 minutes.  Its slightly warm, so I throw on a skirt, only to realize....gee, I have not shaved my legs in, um....a week.  So as Mia tells Eric "You know you should wear something a little nicer on a date, and not those dirty shoes", he is trying to change, I'm standing in the tub, doing a quick shave on my legs (so romantic, I know)...Its 5:50 and the sitter is just getting here, I know I should stay, say hi, but I unlock the car door, stick the bottle of wine in the cup holder,  bark a command at Eric to get in the car, and call behind me "dinner is on the table".

We forget the restaurant is on a one way street, so we have to drive around the block.  We get a parking spot a few stores down from the  restaurant.  6:05.  I throw open the door, grab my bottle of wine and head towards the door.  Its the second that I see 3 high school boys, sitting on a curb smoking cigarettes, recognizing one, who looks up and recognizes me, that I am aware that I'm walking down the street with a bottle of wine....is this okay?

As you open the heavy, red door to Maize, you are greeted by a warm dining room, and see the kitchen in the back.  It smells like you are walking into someones home on a big holiday.  We were greeted by Bob, who instantly reminds me of someone, but I can not put my finger on who, or where.  Bob seats us, and explains the restaurants theme: Chef Matt goes to local farms to purchase the food, menu changes about 3 times a week (not gonna give it all away, you need to go yourself!).  He takes our drink order (water is your only option, as its a BYOB), opens our wine, returns with some home made popcorn and some biscuits with honey butter.  (Bob has a description of everything that is brought to the table).  As a new reservation walks in I notice, they have their wine in a bag....is this a rule or etiquette?  Then Bob goes into the whole monologue again with this new table....I listen again, because now I know where I recognize Bob, a mix of Ben Stein and my old neighbor from NC, Jim (we refer to him a Jim neighbor).

Bob is the only waiter, there was a high school student there who seemed to be a prep and set person (I did a few zumba classes with her, attempted to say hi, but I don't think it worked...or she didn't want to make eye contact, wish I could remember her name).  Bob greets every diner with the same warm smile and gives his descriptions over and over again with the same energy.  Either he loves his job, or is an excellent actor.  I then came up with a plan for Bob, they should do waves of reservations, and give Bob a soap box, so he can do his thing a few times a night.  I bet he drinks a lot of water, he does a lot of talking in a little bit of time.

Okay, back to dinner.  It was AWESOME!  First course I had a mixed greens salad with fresh goat cheese, roasted walnuts (which as I was eating recalled that it makes my tongue itch), figs and balsamic. Eric had a pork ribs with pickled watermelon and arugula.  So good!  Main course:  Eric had a crab cake (no bread crumbs!) with vanilla corn and red pepper, I had bison with forked potatoes and Swiss chard.  I can't even describe how wonderful dinner was.  You are sitting in this dining room, can smell, see and hear your dinner cooking, and see the chef with thoughtful intent cooking food that is good for you, and local!! I also notice that another couple came in with their wine in a bag, and a couple leaving with left over wine (who has left over wine?) in a bag....damn, i needed a wine bag!

Even though I am so stuffed, I can not resist dessert:  I overheard Bob say Creme Brulee a few minutes ago, so I am set.  Eric orders a homemade ice cream sampler: salt, mint and olive oil.  Again, fantastic.  At this point, I am hard core fighting a food coma....I could just curl up against the wall, all full and warm and slightly buzzed and enjoy the ambiance of Maize, but I have kiddies to put to bed.  All in all, the price was WELL worth it, and  on the drive home we discussed who we would bring here and when we would be back.  Next time, we will do the 5 course meal, Chef Matt goes off the menu and makes a 5 course meal for your table, seems like a dining adventure (that takes almost 3 hours, we would need more than a bottle of wine for that one!).

As we get home, kids are snuggled on the couch with auntie and fruncle, I am seriously about to pass out, and all is good in the world.  I need date night more often.  I need friends who want to do date night with us. I need free babysitters.  I need Chef Matt to cook for me daily!  You need to check out Maize if you live in this area (which those of you who read this do not, so come visit, we will go to Maize).

As I sit here and write this (cause its been in my head since Friday night), kids are crying, Eric thought I was writing an IEP, and I have to go food shopping, I am brought back to the reality that life is jammed packed, and you have to forcefully take a few moments to enjoy life and fulfill needs.  Once the school year starts I am the worst at reaching out beyond my house to see people, make plans and so on.  And every year I try to make efforts to be better, then stress out when I fail.  This year, I think I will take what comes to me, and enjoy what is in my moment rather than stress about things beyond my reach.   And eat more Maize!

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What's that sound? Oh...peace and quiet

So, again, visiting the blog only to realize, I suck at blogging....Today I blame it on the IEP! Yes, an IEP is the reason I do not blog as I should or want....that damn IEP or should I say THOSE damn IEP's suck the typing life outta my fingers. I do not want to write any more at the end of the day, and when the kiddies are home, there is no down time. So I will do what any mother would do when she is home sick and her kids are still at daycare....I will blog!!!

Family: Let me see....recently I got into an argument with my sister, well, it was more like me getting irritated at her and FREAKING out, throwing cheese and storming out of the house. BUT, the best part is right after the door slammed, I was told that the entire house was quiet, and Mia chimes in "awkward" in a sing song voice....love her! My Mia, wow! Kindergarten! She was made for school, but I worry that she was made for private school, b/c I am a little concerned with her need for immediate reinforcement. She constantly needs to hear she is doing well, that it looks great or something positive....if she has a hard time with something, or does it wrong, its like cutting off her arm. "I cant do anything right" " I am horrible at drawing stars" "How come you can draw this so well and mine is awful".......really, I am going to start writing and drawing left handed b/c I can't take it anymore. She is so serious sometimes! She was assigned the old lady in her Christmas show of "the gingerbread man"....I get excited, want to make her an outrageous outfit, put powder in her hair.....I'm all into it....she cries...........WTF! She said "I dont want to be funny mom, people will laugh at me"...."Why can't I just be a cat, that is a better part anyway"...in reality, the kid was picked to be that part b/c she can be trusted to know what to say, when to say it, and will be a perfectionist....the damn cat just meows.....that is a stupid part! But, Mia will read "Pigeon wants a Puppy" in the funniest voice to me, but that is only between us. She flipped when I was looking through pics on shutterfly and came across an adorable pic of her reading a book, in her underwear, in her grandparents backyard. Its a great pic....she said "Oh MOM! Did you put that on Facebook?", "That is an awful picture, IM NAKED". She was laying on her stomach, head propped up, reading! We have gone through a bit of a rough patch, where I honestly was more irritated by her on a daily basis than not. But she has come around again, and I feel like we are making more connections. For awhile, I am pretty sure she hated me....I will be there again, but for now, she is my sweet girl, who does the BEST chipmunk voice!

Gavin. Oh what does a mother say about her son? I am sure I said this before, but I get the whole mother son thing now, its weird, but geeze I love that kid. He is a momma's boy for sure. I feel like it has taken him a little longer than expected language wise, but everyday he is saying things that crack me up! He LOVES Mumford and Sons at extremely loud volumes, usually making Mia cry (b/c she is sensitive). He still has a love/hate thing with Mia. Is obsessed with the dogs (which makes me nervous, b/c Max's life span is still questionable, I hope he holds on a little while longer, so a least Gavin can understand). He wants to do everything that is "big boy" and tries to be independent every day! Today he put on his rain coat without help....he thought that was "SUPER COOL"....Personally, super cool is the fact that he is completely potty trained before being 3. He wakes up every night to "come and see me"....I try to explain that Mommy is okay, and I really just need to stay in my bed....and I put his DMB CD on repeat, so hopefully if he does wake up, he stays in bed b/c his music is still playing. Last night was night 1 of staying in his bed...we have done this count down for months, the longest we have made it was 2 nights in a row.

ME: Sinus infection, been sick for 3 weeks, feel like i have been hit by a truck, but still going. I like to fall asleep when i put the kids to bed between 730 and 8, usually wake up around 9 to shower and do the night time prep for the next day, then go back to bed....Im over it and hope these meds work!! I ran a half marathon, training was okay, didnt train as hard as i could, but that seems to be a common thread with me....I really dont push myself, i will try harder on that. So the racing season is done until spring. I still run with my "running club" (special ed kids who, with the help of my running buddy and teacher friend), we coach on Tuesdays. I need to build strength and speed. On the horizon: Broad Street, hopefully a sprint Tri in June (Indepencdance) with Lynn, another Half in the fall and a Tough Mudder is in the game plan. May just end up doing a mud run first, but I REALLY wanna do a Mudder.

Life: Well I have learned that life is short. I have always known it, but with the recent passing of a dear friends husband, and the knowledge that a co-worker is at the end of his time, not only has me a little freaked out, makes me question a whole lot of stuff. That is for a whole other blog.

School: Consumes me. I wish it didnt. I wish I could leave at 2:35....I wish I planned for my class tomorrow, I am getting observed.....that is what the last minute if for right? Ugh, I have learned that if you do something well, you will be given MORE to do....somehow that logic seems messed up.

Now, I have written all I can in my predetermined time frame. Time to save and get the kids....and maybe do some school work???? Yeah, most likely NOT!

Disconnected

I rarely am at a loss for words....but more and more I find myself here. I'm currently in a state of shock, disbelief (which really is stupid), and just hurt. I keep a few close friends. Always have, always will. And I may not be the best day to day friend; I suck at calling people and making plans, I get easily distracted by my own life that I fail to recognize that others lives have continued...not that I think everyone will remain in the situation I last saw them in, but I have a hard time just being aware. When it does hit me that, wow! I have been out of the loop....I try to reconnect. Everyone who KNOWS me, understands this and if I am needed, they know I can be counted on to be there....I will drop everything to love and support a person who I have placed in my heart. And while some people may not be "long cries over coffee" friends, most people who I have had close contact with, reap the benefits of my friendship with out my emotional drama...maybe they are the smart ones!

I constantly fight the friendship battle with myself...and with eric...but mostly with myself. I am so guarded, that it takes me such a long time to make a connection...like years. So those established friends are my life line. Its where I go if I have lost part of myself on this road of life, or need familiarity, or just to be reminded that there are people who will stay...not everyone goes away...For awhile I didn't care, my "friend meter" was full...I was content...Then they started dropping like flies..okay, that's drastic, some were dropped, but its still the same feeling of loss. When I make the decision to cut the line, its for self preservation....to give me time to heal. On a few occasions, I have opened back up to allow re-entry...and am thankful for those who came back. Some are lost forever...and I feel like that is where I am now.

When denied the ability to comfort and support in a time of need, what is left of a friendship. In a time of sorrow, confusion, and anger, you are suppose to look towards those who have been around for say....over 15 years.....to hold you up. maybe it was my distorted view on the situation, maybe I was more reliant on a friendship, thus thinking it was stronger than it was...its what Im thinking...which angers me and makes me feel like a fool....I have fought for this, and to be tossed aside hurts. and i dont like to be hurt...b/c if that was me, the first place I would turn is to the people who have been there the longest...

So now Im at the fork in the road where I have to decided what to do....I hate this place, its where my head and heart do not agree, and my brain usually wins b/c my heart is too fractured. I wish cutting ties was as easy as deleting email addresses, phone numbers and facebook friends. I wish I could flip a switch so I could just not think about it....having a family helps, at least im distracted, but I always have time to have passing thoughts.

So what was my point in this post...Only a few people read it...Thanks guys....I usually don't blog for any other purpose than to vent....and get occasional feedback from FAR AWAY friends who understand that keeping in contact despite the busy life we all lead is important, and for that, you are dear to me!!!! I write to feel lighter, to provide a light for someone who may feel in the dark...what ever the reason, its to establish a connection....why am i so disconnected?

So I am home alone today...I had my last personal day for school, and REALLY needed some time alone to do all the adult things that need to be done, plus my final grad school paper, and process the last few months. I feel somewhat guilty, as I drop the kids off at daycare, Mia CLEARLY knowing that I am not going to school in my running shorts and flip flops, but I still maintain the morning routine. At least I am consistent with that!

I am procrastinating right now. I have to pay bills, and organize all that "stuff", and I am really not looking forward to seeing how much money we actually dont have. I still can not wrap my head around how two people can make a decent salary, but come up short every month...its heartbreaking, and tiring, and I am ready for this phase of life to end. We are usually right on budget, however with Eric's tutoring job ending in April, and me not having a contract, the budget got majorly screwed....so if things are a little late, I guess they are late. But it still upsets me that we work so hard, and this monetary elephant is in the room. There has to be some relief with financial stability right? I look forward to the day that I can buy myself a pair of shoes and not feel super guilty...

Grad school is quickly ending...for now. My graduation audit has been approved and once this class is over, I officially have my masters degree in education! The sad part is, no one really gives a shit, which is fine, b/c the course work was not that difficult, just time consuming, and doing it with 2 kids and a husband that commutes two hours a day, did add extra stress on life. Its funny, I told my one student, who was nervous about walking at graduation, that this was the only time in life people clapped and cheered for your accomplishments, so live it up now! Okay, so its partially my fault for not walking in my masters graduation ceremony...but come one, hook a sista up there family!!! I should not complain yet, I still have 2 more classes and its not "official" yet...I should give them a chance, but I wont hold my breath! Today my final paper is on my list of things to do...

Life, geeze it moves so fast. I try to stop and look around, but its really hard. Ive lost my motivation to run...as i sit here and type, i think "its nice out, you have no kids, go out and run"..but i feel the need to sit here and type more than lace up and pound the pavement. There is always an opportunity to run (thanks to the free tread mil from jake and janice!) but the emotional purge is priority today.

I am slightly wounded (okay, more than slightly) by the actions of others on a daily basis, and I am becoming concerned with why these thoughtless acts are upsetting me. I am usually a pretty tough cookie, but when people who i care about, clearly dont care back...well it bothers me. And my reaction is to try to pull and pry reason out..but I dont think that is beneficial, b/c in the end, when I get nothing, i am not only upset about the behavior, but now the lack of effort to fix things. I think its easier to package up my feelings on some people and put them away in a closet, maybe i will revisit, maybe they will collect dust, but when years and years of heart have been ignored, i need self preservation...it would be a lot easier if i was not constantly reminded of people...GO AWAY and leave me to my peace...some say out with the old and in with the new...my problem is i really like the old, and there is too much life to catch a new up on....

School has been rough. Co-teaching is a blessing and a curse. I am lucky to personally like all 3 of my co-teachers, they are great guys, all with good hearts and are really smart. But sometimes having to deal with 3 men all day, then go home to hubby...my compromise has run out...not to mention that my kids suck the life outta me...this year has been intense...while i am sad to have my kids go, i am ready for them to fly the nest....this momma bird is exhausted..

Real life kids are great! Mia graduated pre-k and makes me so proud. Once I get video uploaded I will share, there is nothing more precious than having a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds singing "proud to be an American"...seriously heartwarming and wonderful. She is ready for kindergarten...i can not believe how amazing she is. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful little girl.

Gavin is becoming his own person, and its funny to watch him figure life out. He is going to be difficult, but luckily he is so cute! Finally we have meaningful language, and while he is difficult to understand, we can hold a conversation. It was really hard the last few months, he wants to talk, but was almost "stuck"...Mia was so verbal at such a young age, Gav is just not, he gets what he wants by physically taking it. Now we are working on listening skills...or attempting to. I have found that reminding him has helped..for example this morning we woke up and I was attempting to get him dressed, he was running around like a crazy man, I said "remember how we said you were going to listen and do what you were told"...and like a switch, he came over and got dressed with no issues?! what is that? Right now I am waiting on the pedi to call back, daycare just called, he has had a bloody nose for 45 minutes...he needs a bubble and its making me crazy. If its not a cough/asthma, its an ear infection or bloody noses...im so sad for him b/c i dont know what to do. We have an allergist appt on the 27th, so hopefully that will help...He is a geat kid, as difficult as he can be, he loves being outside, and playing and i am excited to explore with im this summer...I finally feel like we can go on adventures, he is pretty much potty trained, id say 95% of the time (including nights)...i think it was so quick and easy b/c it was something that he had total control over...and once i dropped the rope and let him go he did great. So much for stickers and timers, I just had to give him underwear and leave the bathroom door open!!

Okay, so I should stop and do some of my work before the pedi (or daycare) calls back. If I have to take this kid to the emergency room on my day off, i will take it as karma, or gods way of saying...ahahhahaha sucka, you're a mom, no alone time for you.

Runners take your mark!

So, it has been some time since I did any blogging...when faced with the question: do I shower or should i sit on my butt, upload some tunes for my run, and blog? the answer was very clear...who needs to shower anyway?

"Ready, Ready, Ready, Ready to Run"...."all Im ready to do is have some fuuuuunnn"...okay, not so sure the Dixie Chicks were talking about a 10 miler, but I am!! I am sitting here with a mixture of positive nervous energy. I did a short 2 mile to take the edge off, and I have to say that it worked...so, if you have a lot of pent up emotion (good, bad or ugly) DO SOMETHING! it really does help! So the "Broad Street Run"...10 miles through the city with 30,000 die hard (ish) runners. I cant imagine being in the front, I would gess there are less than 100 people in the "professional" corral, so 29,000 people running after you, that would make me run! I have been trying to work on the mental aspect of a long run. I have avoided using my mp3 (mostly cause i have a great running buddy who talks and doesnt mind that i hardly answer back, and my mp3 is GHETTO), in efforts of working through the self talk of "holy crap this is hard" "you can stop now and just take a break, you need a break" and "who are you trying to beat, just stop"....I really have poor self motivation when it comes to running. I love doing it when im doing it, but getting there and sticking with the long runs takes strength that I do not have much of. I am more of the...yeah, im tired, id rather sleep, kinda runner...so, motivation to get me through 10 miles of Philadelphia road running (my knees will heart me later)...First and foremost, the reason behind the run, American Cancer Society. And while I can make a pretty good list of people who I know have been faced with this beast, there are really 3 people who I constantly think of on my race. 1. My dad: lost the battle, but is always cheering me on, and I run to hear his voice (run angie run-could be a surpressed softball memory, but Ill take it) 2. Spencer-Beck: again, such a fighter, but fight she did and I am still amazed by her strength, her nobility and her ass kickin attitude, I hear her screaming (HANDSMACKER move your ass). and 3. Bobby C: the strongest little boy I know, he fought and won, and is an amazing kid to know, and is a kid that I look at frequently and think, "I hope Gavin is just like you". Without the support and funding, he may have not made it, so if my running gives more kids a chance...sign me up. To help on the motivation end, I signed up to run for an army soldier who is currently stationed over seas. Didnt cost me a thing, and I thought, hey its the least I can do. So my thought on that is: this person (i really wish I had a name/face) made the choice to serve our country, made the choice to be away from loved ones and put their life in possible danger for millions of people they will never see, or get thank yous from...I will do my best because they are doing theirs.

I run for my kids, because God forbid, they need special medical attention, because I want to show them that even if you dont "win", trying your best is still awesome, because I want them to see that being healthy and doing things that are difficult are a huge part of life. I really wish they could be at the finish line....seeing their faces at the Phillies 5k took all the negative thoughts away. I understand why they are not...an hr+car ride, to attempt to navigate though 30,000+ with 2 kids, having to take subways/and walk blocks....maybe if they were older. My sisters will be there, it will mean alot seeing them, and they are in my filing cabinet of motivation, b/c i want them to see me being strong, and again, what if they need help from the research this run is funding?

So me and running, we have come a long way. Its been 16 years since I started running distances over 2 miles, and there have been many days when i cursed and hated it, and cried and sworn that i would never do it again. But it has become a part of who I am. I may not be the best runner, the fastest, the strongest, but I am a runner. My body feels it more now, but bounces back. When I use to ignore aches and pains and wait til they went away, I know listen to my body, back off when I need to, try to push it when its ready, but I listen, and I guess that comes with maturity, b/c i kinda need to stay in working order!

What I am most excited for is running with Mia. She is showing an interest. the other day she said "hey mom, I wanna run a 65k with you and daddy"....I said, "mia, a 65k is really far, do you mean a 5k?" She said "yeah, whatever you guys run, I wanna run it with you, can we start to practice?"...well sure thing! I am going to start with her 1/4 mile at a time. She has the legs for it, was the fastest around the bases today at Tball (that could have been from being about 2 inches taller than everyone and having long legs), but she was the fastest and didnt even look like she was trying that hard (exactly how I got into running in hs, saunders saw me running at softball tryouts and said, "if you dont make it here, i need you over there(pointing to the track)" Is a 5k too much for a 5 year old??? We will do some mile fun runs this summer.

Whats next? Oh man, I have the looming desire to do a half marathon...at this point, whats another 3.1 miles? the problem is finding time to do the long runs, so I think I will wait until the fall and work on long runs during the summer. Id also love to do a tri, the bike part scares me the most...the swimming is kinda scary, but its just my body i need to coordinate. the bike, that is a piece of equipment and im not very good at sports with equipment! I hope to hit up some yard sales and find a cheap bike...gotta start somewhere!

Well, I have sat here and typed away, kids are still sleeping so I will get some time to eat in peace, then off to either a baseball game or a park!!

Holy Metaphor Eric Carle

Sometimes the strangest (or not so strange but totally deep) thoughts come to my head...and while I may let them "flutter" around for awhile, eventually they must come out. So since forever (really 10th grade, so ummm....16 years or so) I have linked my dad to butterflies. If you know me, you know at one time it was a mild obsession, and i would grab any butterfly related object...I am not really sure why exactly I equated butterflies and my dad. But ever since I did, they brought a sense of calmness to my environment. Leading me to tramp stamp one on my back (more to come on that later...remember all my thoughts, while essentially random, do relate back to one another)

....did i ever mention how my whining/dying dog stifles my creative writing, and while I think I'm a selfish, heartless bitch for typing that part, its still true...so he just drug his ass (literally) over here so I could pick him up...will do, his days are numbered, and while that too makes me a little sad, I am not sure about his quality of life these days...but I need two hands to type Max!

Where is this metaphor you speak of? Okay, it sounds dumb when I say it aloud, but I am sure when I explain it...the deepness will be overpowering (or not)...I am the very hungry caterpillar....totally, awesome right...okay, not so much, but let me go on with my explanation, and maybe I can get some help refining my big statement!

"In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf"

On Sunday morning the warm sun came up, and POP, out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar. He went to look for some food."

Caterpillars survive on instinct. There is no mommy and daddy butterflies leading them through the obstacles of life, they don't run (or scoot, or inch) their way to a parental figure to get comfort when something bad happens. And that is how I view my childhood. Okay, so my mom was not a complete cold and evil bitch, only sometimes. But when it came to emotions and figuring stuff out, she wanted us to learn on our own, to figure it out based on previous experiences, on instinct. She trusted (i think) that we were given the essentials to make the appropriate decisions in life that would lead us down a respectable path. She said she would never be mad at our decisions (ummm okay mom) but we "disappointed" her when she didn't like what we did or how things turned out, b/c in the end it was our decision...and maybe that's were I get my issues with disappointment..my psycho analysis is pretty damn amazing!

My "food" was emotion. I was always full of it and never had enough. I guess in a way I am still that way. I was always over reacting to little things, under reacting to the big stuff, and all the time looking and hoping for someone to show me the emotion i was feeling. I always felt out of place, out of sync, out in the cold, and in the dark. I was never good enough to be the best, but then again, i never tried all that hard....fear of disappointment...pretty sure.

So as the tiny caterpillar ate, and ate and ate....I did too. And as I took in all the emotion, I stopped expelling it and just held it in....never hold it in...that goes for poop too!!

"He wasn't hungry anymore, and he wasn't a tiny caterpillar. He was a big, fat caterpillar." My emotional binge and purge hit its peek when my dad died, I could not handle any more emotion. At that time, I had no outlets, no one to talk to, so emotional purging was not an option...I am an excellent emotional bulimic these days....So with no where to put it, I shut down.

"he built a small house, called a cocoon, (Ps. Eric Carle...wish you would have said chrysalis)around himself. He stayed inside for more than two weeks."

Two weeks, two months, two years...twelve years...who knows, but I think I slowly started to nibble out, and as light hits the butterfly little by little, I started to feel again. I let things affect me. I feel more resilient, more reliant, and I really don't care about how others view me (most of the time). The process and change that turns a caterpillar into a butterfly is pretty amazing, it has to completely redefine itself. And while that pupa is "in between" it has time to get its act together...now there is no way I have my "act together" but i think I am pretty much all one piece. It takes me some time to get it all ironed out, but pump enough fluids into my wings, dry me out and I'm good to go...

" I am a beautiful butterfly" (thank you Heimlich from A Bug's Life...) "I am flying and from way up here you all look like little ants"

Not sure if I am complete "a butterfly", but I am on my way I guess...It makes sense to me now. And like all things in nature, nothing ever stays the same. I was thinking about this in the shower, about what is the most sturdy, strongest thing I can think of in nature. A rock came to my mind, but if put under enough pressure and heat, that rock can change too...There is always a way to make something change and little to prevent things from ever changing, just depends on how fast you want the process to happen...

Which leads me to the question: Can you make people change? So many times we hear people say "ah, they'll never change". Maybe you are not applying enough heat and pressure? Maybe there is not enough internal "hormone" to cause it to change...but really find me something that NEVER changes...

Maybe that's why I am always attracted to things that change. The ocean (love oceans, not a big fan of lakes....sure lakes can change, but not as often as oceans), I have had a minor obsession with drawing trees, mostly deciduous, and there is usually a lady in the trunk...Why? b/c to make it through the winter, these trees have to loose all their beauty, drop their leaves, just to survive. And once they get enough sunlight, they begin to grow again...maybe that's me too on some level.

Leading me back to the tattoo...A butterfly on my lower back. Yes, I have a tramp stamp...luckily it holds a wealth of meaning (see above) and when I got it, I was not as clear on its pure meaning, when I got it, it was b/c butterflies made me happy and reminded me of my dad. So now I want to add to it, modify the design maybe, but make it more of a representation of how I view it as a symbol for my life...essentially i would have all the stages, but I want to avoid having it look like a page out of a science text book. In my perfect world (and thanks to a dream that was inspired by the cover of "the girl with a dragon tattoo" and maybe Angelina Jolie) I would have a tree up one side of my back...holy cow that HUGE....and in my head its badass, but could I pull it off?? of course, the tree would show its change from winter, to spring, to summer then to fall.....Thankfully I have some tattoo artists in my family....but the planning to make it happen is a little overwhelming.

So that was my purge today....maybe I should change my blog to "emotional bulimia starts here"