Disconnected

I rarely am at a loss for words....but more and more I find myself here. I'm currently in a state of shock, disbelief (which really is stupid), and just hurt. I keep a few close friends. Always have, always will. And I may not be the best day to day friend; I suck at calling people and making plans, I get easily distracted by my own life that I fail to recognize that others lives have continued...not that I think everyone will remain in the situation I last saw them in, but I have a hard time just being aware. When it does hit me that, wow! I have been out of the loop....I try to reconnect. Everyone who KNOWS me, understands this and if I am needed, they know I can be counted on to be there....I will drop everything to love and support a person who I have placed in my heart. And while some people may not be "long cries over coffee" friends, most people who I have had close contact with, reap the benefits of my friendship with out my emotional drama...maybe they are the smart ones!

I constantly fight the friendship battle with myself...and with eric...but mostly with myself. I am so guarded, that it takes me such a long time to make a connection...like years. So those established friends are my life line. Its where I go if I have lost part of myself on this road of life, or need familiarity, or just to be reminded that there are people who will stay...not everyone goes away...For awhile I didn't care, my "friend meter" was full...I was content...Then they started dropping like flies..okay, that's drastic, some were dropped, but its still the same feeling of loss. When I make the decision to cut the line, its for self preservation....to give me time to heal. On a few occasions, I have opened back up to allow re-entry...and am thankful for those who came back. Some are lost forever...and I feel like that is where I am now.

When denied the ability to comfort and support in a time of need, what is left of a friendship. In a time of sorrow, confusion, and anger, you are suppose to look towards those who have been around for say....over 15 years.....to hold you up. maybe it was my distorted view on the situation, maybe I was more reliant on a friendship, thus thinking it was stronger than it was...its what Im thinking...which angers me and makes me feel like a fool....I have fought for this, and to be tossed aside hurts. and i dont like to be hurt...b/c if that was me, the first place I would turn is to the people who have been there the longest...

So now Im at the fork in the road where I have to decided what to do....I hate this place, its where my head and heart do not agree, and my brain usually wins b/c my heart is too fractured. I wish cutting ties was as easy as deleting email addresses, phone numbers and facebook friends. I wish I could flip a switch so I could just not think about it....having a family helps, at least im distracted, but I always have time to have passing thoughts.

So what was my point in this post...Only a few people read it...Thanks guys....I usually don't blog for any other purpose than to vent....and get occasional feedback from FAR AWAY friends who understand that keeping in contact despite the busy life we all lead is important, and for that, you are dear to me!!!! I write to feel lighter, to provide a light for someone who may feel in the dark...what ever the reason, its to establish a connection....why am i so disconnected?

So I am home alone today...I had my last personal day for school, and REALLY needed some time alone to do all the adult things that need to be done, plus my final grad school paper, and process the last few months. I feel somewhat guilty, as I drop the kids off at daycare, Mia CLEARLY knowing that I am not going to school in my running shorts and flip flops, but I still maintain the morning routine. At least I am consistent with that!

I am procrastinating right now. I have to pay bills, and organize all that "stuff", and I am really not looking forward to seeing how much money we actually dont have. I still can not wrap my head around how two people can make a decent salary, but come up short every month...its heartbreaking, and tiring, and I am ready for this phase of life to end. We are usually right on budget, however with Eric's tutoring job ending in April, and me not having a contract, the budget got majorly screwed....so if things are a little late, I guess they are late. But it still upsets me that we work so hard, and this monetary elephant is in the room. There has to be some relief with financial stability right? I look forward to the day that I can buy myself a pair of shoes and not feel super guilty...

Grad school is quickly ending...for now. My graduation audit has been approved and once this class is over, I officially have my masters degree in education! The sad part is, no one really gives a shit, which is fine, b/c the course work was not that difficult, just time consuming, and doing it with 2 kids and a husband that commutes two hours a day, did add extra stress on life. Its funny, I told my one student, who was nervous about walking at graduation, that this was the only time in life people clapped and cheered for your accomplishments, so live it up now! Okay, so its partially my fault for not walking in my masters graduation ceremony...but come one, hook a sista up there family!!! I should not complain yet, I still have 2 more classes and its not "official" yet...I should give them a chance, but I wont hold my breath! Today my final paper is on my list of things to do...

Life, geeze it moves so fast. I try to stop and look around, but its really hard. Ive lost my motivation to run...as i sit here and type, i think "its nice out, you have no kids, go out and run"..but i feel the need to sit here and type more than lace up and pound the pavement. There is always an opportunity to run (thanks to the free tread mil from jake and janice!) but the emotional purge is priority today.

I am slightly wounded (okay, more than slightly) by the actions of others on a daily basis, and I am becoming concerned with why these thoughtless acts are upsetting me. I am usually a pretty tough cookie, but when people who i care about, clearly dont care back...well it bothers me. And my reaction is to try to pull and pry reason out..but I dont think that is beneficial, b/c in the end, when I get nothing, i am not only upset about the behavior, but now the lack of effort to fix things. I think its easier to package up my feelings on some people and put them away in a closet, maybe i will revisit, maybe they will collect dust, but when years and years of heart have been ignored, i need self preservation...it would be a lot easier if i was not constantly reminded of people...GO AWAY and leave me to my peace...some say out with the old and in with the new...my problem is i really like the old, and there is too much life to catch a new up on....

School has been rough. Co-teaching is a blessing and a curse. I am lucky to personally like all 3 of my co-teachers, they are great guys, all with good hearts and are really smart. But sometimes having to deal with 3 men all day, then go home to hubby...my compromise has run out...not to mention that my kids suck the life outta me...this year has been intense...while i am sad to have my kids go, i am ready for them to fly the nest....this momma bird is exhausted..

Real life kids are great! Mia graduated pre-k and makes me so proud. Once I get video uploaded I will share, there is nothing more precious than having a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds singing "proud to be an American"...seriously heartwarming and wonderful. She is ready for kindergarten...i can not believe how amazing she is. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful little girl.

Gavin is becoming his own person, and its funny to watch him figure life out. He is going to be difficult, but luckily he is so cute! Finally we have meaningful language, and while he is difficult to understand, we can hold a conversation. It was really hard the last few months, he wants to talk, but was almost "stuck"...Mia was so verbal at such a young age, Gav is just not, he gets what he wants by physically taking it. Now we are working on listening skills...or attempting to. I have found that reminding him has helped..for example this morning we woke up and I was attempting to get him dressed, he was running around like a crazy man, I said "remember how we said you were going to listen and do what you were told"...and like a switch, he came over and got dressed with no issues?! what is that? Right now I am waiting on the pedi to call back, daycare just called, he has had a bloody nose for 45 minutes...he needs a bubble and its making me crazy. If its not a cough/asthma, its an ear infection or bloody noses...im so sad for him b/c i dont know what to do. We have an allergist appt on the 27th, so hopefully that will help...He is a geat kid, as difficult as he can be, he loves being outside, and playing and i am excited to explore with im this summer...I finally feel like we can go on adventures, he is pretty much potty trained, id say 95% of the time (including nights)...i think it was so quick and easy b/c it was something that he had total control over...and once i dropped the rope and let him go he did great. So much for stickers and timers, I just had to give him underwear and leave the bathroom door open!!

Okay, so I should stop and do some of my work before the pedi (or daycare) calls back. If I have to take this kid to the emergency room on my day off, i will take it as karma, or gods way of saying...ahahhahaha sucka, you're a mom, no alone time for you.