Reflections of 2009...what a year.

So I know as soon as I get into a good zone, Gavin will wake up and I will loose all my thoughts. So I will type fast, and pay little attention to all the grammatical stuff...and as always, spelling will be creative.

Last year started with bringing home Gavin, and I think I should have prepared a little better then I did. I had the "been there done this" attitude, and while I did physically feel better than the first time, I was surprised at how much more energy and attention would go into caring for 2 kids...silly me, I really thought it would be a lot easier, but we managed the first few weeks with little sleep and the mister man ended up sleeping through the night at like 6 weeks....that was short lived, but at least he did it then....we are still working on the sleep stuff a year later!

Maternity leave was wonderful, and if i had an unlimited budget and was able to enroll kiddies in activities and all that (oh and if we could pay the bills on Erics pay) I would totally stay at home with the little ones, but alas, I had to return to work. And in perfect Handschumacher timing, we found out that 1. eric needed to have major back surgery, 2. he would have to find a new teaching position due to lack of enrollment and merging of schools 3. gavin needed breathing treatments and 4. our hot water heater went. I also want to say this may have been the time we found out our dog Max was needing surgery that may or may not fix his bum legs....we just drugged him, and he seems to be doing okay, not fond of the cold, but still his grumpy old self.

My brother finally got hitched and we now have ANOTHER sister (like i need one of those) and a niece who is just the best cousin Mia could ever ask for!

So eric went in for surgery, we lost his grandmother, and it was the most difficult time I have experienced as an adult. Working full time, 2 kids, a husband who was in terrible pain, and I surprisingly did not jump off a bridge...not sure how I coped so well, I didnt even drink heavily! Then work ended, I took a grad class to get that out of the way, and our summer began. It wasnt easy by any means, Eric was still looking for a job, still out of commission physically, and I was keeping the happy face on. Traveled to NC for 2 weeks of bliss, Eric and Danielled surprised me with a party and I was stunned to see all the old friends that i miss so dearly. Week 2 was in OBX with the inlaws and I was able to see the sun rise every morning on the beach with Gavin. Once we returned, I was reunited with brothers that I have not seen or spoken to in years...it was amazing and I finally feel that the empty parts are starting to fill up...Having my brothers in my life, in my kids lives, means everything...Dann is so much like my dad, my insides are calm when he is around. He is so talented in music and art, Im jealous, but miss having that influence in my life...I want to start creating again...Reconnecting happened on the friend front as well, and I was again hanging out with the "theater" friends I spent so much time with in high school....it is refreshing to know that some things never change and those who are real and honest, will be the same people 10 years later despite enduring lifes experiences. They make me happy, and again, let me be myself, my whole crazy, random self....

Summer ended, we were all off to work (Eric working in Norristown) and feeling good. Then school started to really kick me in the ass...I mean, its my 3rd year, i know what to expect, the policies and procedures...but then they change them and I am left running around like a chicken with my head cut off...Seriously, work was out of control and I felt like a total sucky mom and wife b/c i was beign consumed....Fall continued to be difficult professionally, but the kids were doing great. Gavin started walking at 10 months, Mia just continued to grow and blossom into such a wonderful little girl who is my best friend.

Now Im left looking back on the year and going "holy shit" I can't believe we made it. I feel bad that Gavin was introduced to our family at such a rough time, and I feel like so much of his babyness was lost in the drama of life. I was in tears yesterday (his birthday) just realizing how fast time flies, and how precious it is. I want to slow it down. I can't, but I would like to. I just wish for a year that we are all healthy, happy and enjoy the time we have. I am dreading going back to work on monday, i really need like another week to do all the things that i want to do....use the sewing machine that has been sitting in the closet for the 2009 year, not used, along with the rolls of fleece bought with the intentions of making hats and blankets....putting together the baby books of my kids that have enteries scattered throughout the book, blank pages of screaming at me to print the danm pic already....I want to read more, write more, i should probabally shower at some point, and I dont know, just slow time down.

I am sure I am missing events of the year. I am blessed to have my family: we are not perfect, we have our issues, but we are in this together and have each others backs... My husband: for once, I dont have words....I would not be where I am without him, I could not do any of this without him, I would not be me with out him....I can not imagine where I would be in life if it wasnt for him. He keeps me in check, and will let me know when im not (which at times is not what i want to hear, but you never want to hear the bad stuff!) I am blessed to have my kids: who could ask for more? They are the reason I get up every day and try my hardest, even when im tired, sad, or angry. they are the only two beings in the world who can make me smile in the midst of an emotional melt down. I wish the world for them....My friends: this year has pulled some apart (not in a bad way, just in a life gets in the way, way) and other together....and some have continued to just stay the same, coming in and out like the ocean, but consistent....Some are far away and I miss them terribly because they are essential parts of my life...Some are new and we are still working out figuring things out...some are not developed yet and i hope the new year will bring new experiences for growth...

Thanks

Thanks can mean so many things, depending on the tone, the context and what follows it. I can say "thanks" to a lot of things...but today I am only going to be thankful. Thankful for the people who inspire me, support me, and love me. Thankful for the happy things that keep me going. So be thankful, smile and make the best out of life. Its rather short, and goes by way too fast!

Finally a Moment

For Klemmer, because you have been so patient.
Reading Rainbow:
So I am kinda a book series junkie. First it was my relationship with Harry, then Bella Swan, my summer in The House of Night, and now I am hooked on Percy Jackson. He is headed to the movies in February, so like every good series, the silver screen is just a stop on the road to global domination. If you like series, mythology, or are interested in current young adult novels, i highly suggest it. There are 5 books, easy reads, some of it is predictable (as should be for an adult) but there are still parts that keep me reading. What will be next when Percy is over? There is another House of Night book coming out in November, but I will be on the search for my next fix....

Life:
Has been kicking me where it counts. I am a tight rope artist. The balancing act of being a mom, teacher, wife, sister, daughter, friend and whatever other hats I wear on a daily basis is getting difficult. To get it all done is impossible, and I know this, but why do I lay awake at night (or wake up in the middle of the night) with the "i should haves". Because there is a part of me that feels bad for the possiblity of not meeting the expectations other have of me. Its easy to see what Im not doing, and while I try to focus on all that i do (cause its reassuring) I feel like other only focus on what I dont do, or where I slack...and really, I just want to scream "kiss my ass".

Kids:
Mia is totally giving me a run for my money. At first it was the-not following directions, not napping, waking up other kids...it took me totally loosing it b/c the next day she took a nap, so I know it is not the fact that she can't, but she is choosing not to, and thats super frustrating. So I go all sped mom and think of ways to positively change her behaviors...but positive reinforcement doesnt work on my kid, so we resorted to the negative, and have seen some improvement. I still feel bad for her, sometimes she makes mistakes that are simply b/c she is not paying attention, so I am really working on making her recognize whats going on. Then there is the lying..please tell me all 3 year olds go through the lying stage. Again, here I see little Ange--Mom: "Angela why did you cut your hair?" Ange: "I didnt" Mom: "Angie, your bangs are cut and there is hair on the floor: Ange: "someone else did it" UGH!!! So I try to think back to why I lied about EVERYTHING...and try to understand why she is doing what she is doing. Maybe we have too high expectations and she feels like she can't live up to them and she wants to make us happy...or maybe she is just a liar liar pants on fire. This morning she knocked her plate almost off the table, and blamed it on a bug bite....Oh and fell on the playground Thursday and smacked her face, so another dr. visit and a possible mild concussion....

As for Gavin, you can see his personality just pouring out...he is not as confident as Mia was at this age, I swear he could walk, but as soon as he senses any possibilty of falling, he just sits. If we try to hold his hands and walk, his legs turn into limp noodles. Everything will always be on his terms. Finally sleeping a little better, and naps are solid on the weekends (which lets me blog!). He is huge, 21.7lbs 29 inches, I just bought 12 month stuff and he is almost done with it. Right now we have snot nose, which just so happend to start the day after he got his first flu shot (i am not even gonna get started on that, we dont do flu shots in our house, but the dr convinced me b/c of his age, he is in daycare and he gets wheezy...in my moment of weakness I agreed, and now im left wondering if i made the right choice). He saying mama and baba and Ah means mia. Said dada once or twice. He growls like a monster and is finding that when he screams at the top of his lungs, people react...I find this stage difficult, the lack of communication for him is frustrating, so we are working on sign language, which was going really well for about 2 weeks, and this week he has decided to F the signing and just scream.

OTHER:
I found one of my first students on FB the other day, and was so excited...I mean, this is a kid who would drive me crazy, but in a loving way. He would sit under my desk to do work (b/c he could focus better there), he is the reason i put a three sided box in my classroom and stuck a desk in it and made a white flag so that if he needed help, he could just wave it. I loved that class, and when I was moved into a more regular ed setting, i was thankful, but now, I miss having my own group of kids. So I am still awaiting his friend request, I want to know if our program worked, what is he doing in/with life, I want to see the results of my teaching. This is why FB rules, because with FB I can see that what I am doing is making kids into good adults....or not, b/c some kids will make bad decisions, and thats not my fault.

Thats enough outta me for today, I wonder how long I can stay in my PJ's...yesterday I made it to 3pm. Today we have stuff to do, so im sure i gotta get dressed soon.

Sick Day Monday

So the meds have kicked in and I am ready for the day...kinda. I am at home sick today with Gavin. He is taking his first nap, so I decided that during this nap, I will use it for me, because this is my sick day too! I drank coffee, got the gunk outta my throat thanks to a cup of coffee and a cup of tea (what can i give Gav to help his yuck out??) searched the appropriate web sites, checked the email, took it all in and am ready to write away!

1. Kanye vs. Taylor...ugh, i like Kanye, like his music, his concert was one of my favorites (saw him at UNCW in 2006-front row thanks to the Blairs!) and at that show, he had a minor hissy about lighting, it was kinda funny, but didnt last long. Then i open up yahoo today and see what a DB he was to my new heart Taylor Swift. Now, Taylor is near and dear to my heart, not only does Mia love her, i would be lying if i said i didnt enjoy her cd flawless as well, catchy tunes that i can belt out in my car, good messages, some i relate with all to well (well use to, and i can totally remember feeling similar). She is from nearby, (as is Pink-who is currently on Today bashing Kanye, she just said toolbox on national tv.. and her boldness makes me smile like no other, and ive always been a fan), and i think of all the teen female voices out there, she is a great role model for girls, classy, tasteful...so come on kanye...i was so supportive of his outbursts made excuses for him, but now, im left having to let go of one of my fav hip hoppers...and looking for a new taylor t shirt.

2. clarity, its amazing how as soon as the adhd is under control, how clear my brain is, i have a logical plan in place for the day, dont feel overwhelmed about all the stuff there is to do, and am at peace...i wish everyone who had minor personality flaws would do the right thing and take care of it. if not for yourself, then for the people around you who it impacts. im not on the medicate band wagon, but if thats what it takes, take it...if it takes soul searching, search away, but just do what needs to be done to keep it all in place!!!

3. Beatles rock band...addictive, loving it! I am usually the singer, not b/c i am any good at singing per say (this wod is on the woodcock johnson test i have to give at school, and yes i have to say wood cock and johnson at work, in front of students with out laughing..needless to say, its still a challenge) and i think its a bogus word choice...and i will spell it that way b/c who wouldnt?) i just like to channel my inner rock star and sing my heart out. Plus i know a lot of words to random songs and i think my talent will best propel our rock band future!

4. Mr. Man's sick: Gavin has had a fever all weekend, coupled with a congested chest that i can just hear is full of gunk...how do i get it out?? He will be so much better if i could just get him to cough it up....8 month olds cant cough it up and that makes me sad for him....but i think the fever broke, it got up to 104 on saturday, it was the first time in a long time that i was a little worried, mostly b/c i fear my kid having a seizure....just thinking about it makes me sad and feeling so helpless. But i didnt have to give him motrin this morning, didnt have to do the rectal temp, so he should be back to school tomorrow....

5. School: ugh, its going. Lots of changes as always, mostly in the world of sped...My science classes are great, my kids are awesome this year, and i finally feel like i have a hold on everything content wise. Last week was a great week for teaching: i sparked ideas of greatness with a co-teacher that we both got excited about, i had a heart to heart with a senior that needed a kick in the pants-lets hope it worked, i had a group of goofy silly teenage boys work hard on a boring computer program b/c i made it into a challenge and told them id buy them a candy bar....which then gave me the idea of making a booty box (the program is study island, made me think of pirates, and i had a treasure chest shaped box...it all made sense). I had a good iep meeting where the parent actually reached out for help and support and felt comfortable with us to discuss a difficult topic, and i wrote some pretty good IEP's that really only needed grammar and spell check corrections (confirming that im pretty decent at my job!) I danced during the Lorax and confused a group of kids that prompted them to ask me if im on crack...lets hope it all stays this good!

4. Letting go, dropping the rope, and choosing your battles is really freaking hard. I am still working on it!

So thats it for me today...my ME time is now coming to an end, time to get stuff done!

Friends are like shoes???

Okay, so I am not sure if this is gonna be rude, or what, but I'm working on an analogy here and i think it works pretty good, but it might be insulting, but i don't mean it to be...if you are a friend, new, old, a bestie, or not, you are important to me in some way....but this has been in my head since yesterday and I gotta get it out.
Thinking about friends in general, I've come to the conclusion that they are similar to shoes, essential to daily function, and in a variety of styles. And just like shoes, friends are either supportive, or flimsy (like that shoe that breaks at the perfect time, usually when you have no access to another pair)

So, sometimes, you need new shoes. And so you get a new pair of shoes, and they are kinda uncomfortable, they might rub the wrong way, or something might not just be right about them, so you toss them to the back of your closet and only wear them out of necessity. Eventually, those new shoes start to mold to your foot, and over time (maybe days, weeks, months or years..in my case, it takes awhile) they become a part of your daily wear. You become comfortable in your new shoes, and even feel good wearing them out to major events, your new shoes are fantastic...but they are still new...

Then you have your old shoes, and if you know me at all, you know my old shoes (okay, my flops, hardly a shoe) are my most important, nearest and dearest to my heart. My old shoes are my feel good shoes, my I'm sad and my feet need some love shoes. These shoes have been through it all, they might be beat up, have holes, be worn out on a side, missing some laces, secured only by duct tape, but they are still hangin on, and even though you know that they might have seen better days, you keep them in your closet, because maybe one day, you will need that specific pair to bail you out...maybe they perfectly match an off color shirt, and you will never EVER be able to find shoes in that color again...but then there is the shoe you always try to fix because you love it so much, but the bitch keeps breaking on you, and you try everything in your power to make it work, and it just doesn't, and it breaks your heat, but you have to chuck it, because it it doesn't deliver, its gotta go.

I also love the shoes you forgot you had, that you maybe threw in your closet after wearing them for like an entire season non stop, and then you find them again, and they just fit. So you decide to rock em for a little.

Personally, I love my slippers, they really last forever because you really don't wear them out too often, they are not exposed to the harsh elements of life. They are warm, they make you feel good, and you usually only have one pair (okay, i have two, summer and winter ones!) but slippers have seen you on your good days and your bad, when you are happy and free spirited or when you are sad and refuse to change out of your sweat pants. Slippers. They just make things better.

So, make of this what you will. Don't over analyze. I will never tell who is in what type of shoe, it would probably take me more time to actually figure it out. Really, at times, you might be a new pair of heels, or an old flip flop, depends on my mood, day, situation, and so on...this is the pure bliss of me free writing, i can just put it all out there!!!

Its always the same...

the night before the first day of school: its the anticipation, the anxiety, the "what the hell am I gonna wear", the "who is in my class, what lunch do I have"! I have had 26 first days of school (13+5(i took 4 and a half years!!!)+8=26, good just checking my math) and it never changes. The same pit in the tummy, will i be late, keeping me up. The worst is when you fall asleep, and think you have been sleeping for hours, and its really only like 2 and then you cant fall back to sleep b/c you start to freak out that you wont get enough sleep and then you will hit snooze and be tired...did i set the coffee pot? ugh...

On another note, I am usually always excited about the start of the new school year. Some people may think that it gets boring, just teaching the same stuff year after year, but you get a totally different mix of kids, so its kinda fun...this year i have some interesting things..keep a heads up on funny quotes of the day, I am sure it will get interesting. Okay, so kids are exciting..woohoo, but i really really like the people I work with, they are a super fun group of peeps who i get along with and who are entertained by my antics..and will join in from time to time..i wont lie, really i keep thinking about what i'm gonna be for halloween..i am going to pitch the idea of a departmental theme...it will be fun times.

So off i go to bed (yes this early), by the time i eat some ice cream, read some book, figure out what the hell im gonna wear, and all, it will be sleepy time for me. cant wait to try to get the entire fam out the door by 630am...

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

Reflective Ramble

I really wish there was some way to record my thoughts while they are occurring, i really have the best stream of consciousness when i have no access to any recording device, like just a few minutes ago, rocking Gavin and staring into his sweet face, my mind just starts to go, and halfway through i think "this is some good stuff, i need to remember this" but you know you never will remember it word for word. So here is my best attempt to re-write my current thoughts of today..which i just realized, my best, deepest thoughts come right around this time, caffeine has done its magic, i took in the news, put the baby to bed and now I'm ready to go!

Glamorous. I thought of this word as an opposite for what I feel my life is right now. Not in a bad way or anything, and I'm quite happy with how my life has panned out, but reading friends blogs, and looking at their facebook pages and updates, seeing world travelers (actually its the video on u-tube: where the hell is Matt?, that kinda started this train of thought) performers, oversea livers, skydivers and so on made me think of how normal my life is..now me and normal have never really seemed to go together, but looking at me now, I'm pretty damn normal. I see people impacting the world, living green and being contributors, and i guess i am doing some things, but its hard to see what impact i have being the suburban wife, in my ridiciously suburban home, with my 2 kids, an SUV, teaching high school science. Now, i impact kids on some level, sure, but i always feel like i want to go to the next level. And its kinda intimidating to know just how small of a fish you and in this big ass pond...so I'm sitting with Gav thinking all of this, how I want to be an awesome mom that my kids are proud of and say "my mom is, did....." and realized in the time it took for me calm my sad bebe, that I am EVERYTHING to them, I am all the goodness and coolness and no matter how plain i view myself, i am pretty kick ass to my kids. I am their big fish. And then i got over how "normal" my life is, I have a shit ton of time to travel and do worldly things, but right now, its my time to wipe tears (and butts), to hug, kiss, cry, laugh, play, run, and immerse myself in a childhood, to create memories, to give and teach my kids all i know so that one day they will be an awesome woman and man. Hows that for impact. Damn, i made myself cry...

So then I started to think about what I want to do, to be better at, just stuff...
1. Better time management, this will make all the rest happen.
2. Sewing/knitting: okay, closer to the sewing part, have a machine, just lack the time to work on it...knitting b/c i feel like its the next logical thing after sewing..
3. Have a fantastic veggie garden, we have proved ourselves with tomatoes and peppers...
4. Making jelly and jams..G.G does this now, along with the sewing and knitting, but sad as it is, she will not be here forever, and i feel that I cant let the family down...
5. Travel and experience different culture, i want my kids to see the world with me...so this might not be I'm my immediate future, we are teachers for gods sake and the bebes are little, so we will start locally!
6. I want to love where I live...love the house, but quakertown? really??? and we are not leaving, so i have to make the best out of it...
7. I want to create, get back into the arts, be a part of something..i dunno..this one just came to me
8. redecorate my entire house...but don't have an eye for it at all, so either need to learn, or need help!!
9. do charity work for children, feed starving babies in under developed countries, make kids fighting to stay alive smile and laugh
10. i want to be an amazing woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher and if i cant change the entire world, id like to change just a little part of it.

On my first day teaching, a male teacher said to me "look at you coming in, you think you can save the world don't you" and i looked at him dead in the eye, and said " i think i can" and he gave a little laugh and said "that's why i love new teachers, they think they will save em all" I can honestly say to myself today, getting ready to start, what my 8th year teaching...I still try. I don't get one every year, I think I got 1 so far that I can honestly say that I worked my ass off trying to help, and hes better b/c of it, but there is the hope that I will come across 1 kid that will want my help, will want me to guide them, and will be better because of it...and to Mr. Bland, who was the teacher who laughed at me b/c i wanted to "save the world", a nice middle finger for you...

Why the Blog

Why?
I want to blog, I really do...so I am. I am on the computer enough as it is, I am almost totally consumed by the Internet, and I like writing, which I don't do enough of, and am starting to feel bad about that. So what prompted my sudden blogging...i will have to give credit to Melissa Warren, her blog cracks me up, and she keeps track of some pretty cool stuff..and while i do attempt to keep a hand written journal, i fall asleep way before i can write in it. Also, my kids do funny ass things, and i like to share. Sure I could just call up every one and tell the story, but i tried that the other weekend, when Mia stink palmed me, it got really old telling the story over and over. Plus I figure, if you care, you will read my blog, if you don't, then me telling you the stories are pointless cause you don't give a shit anyway.

The title.
Its really the best way to sum up what i am looking for in a blog. Just to document stuff in my life, and yes, i have ADD, well, according to the psych, its ADHD combined type (who knew about the hyperactivity? i really didn't, i knew i was easily distracted...but not hyper..no one else was surprised)

So I hope you enjoy my randomness. I will not spell check, I will not be conscious of grammar. I am just going to do what I do best, which is ramble on and hope I don't offend anyone.

On that note, G man is up and I am needed!!