Thats a Wrap....2010 in my nut shell

Well, my last lunch in 2010 was a pb and fluff sandwich, which was warm and toasty and hit the spot on this slightly warmer, but still frigid day,and recovering from a head cold that kicked my butt. Nothing like some refined sugar to get my mind going...so lets see where this sugar rush takes me.

2010: Overall, an un-eventful year in the respects to things that can shake life up, but with 2 kids, life is never un-eventful.

Lots of Snow....

In May we welcomed a new member to the family. My niece Karleigh Brielle!

And celebrated my grandmoms 80th birthday!

Eric and I found out we really loved hiking...Glen Onoko Falls in Jim Thorpe..Maybe we will make it a yearly thing?!

I ran my first "race" since high school(i'm in there somewhere), and Mia ran her first race ever! We ran for Alexs Lemonade Stand in honor of our cousin Bobby Croyle! I went on to run a few other events over the summer/fall.

Gavin: Its amazing how fast the days go, and today when i was putting him down for a nap, I honestly got a little choked up (okay, a lot, like snot tears and all), b/c I am so amazed at how this little guy is turning into a full blown kid. He is still a baby in some respects, despite his size (36-ish inches and 30-ish lbs at 2?) he is obsessed with his paci (ugh, 2 1/2 is my age where it goes byebye...which he calls his bubby) and his blanket (at times think linus, and its not a small blanket, kinda heavy, so not the easiest thing to lug around). He loves to be rocked (and i love doing it, but again, one of those things that SHOULD stop, but i cant, im addicted) at bed time while we watch his light go in circles and talk about the stars and planets, he will grab my face and say "hug momma". He is the complete opposite of Mia, they are pretty much night and day, but I would have to say that Gavin is my silliness, high energy and maybe defiance, coupled wiht Erics stubboness, analyitical thinking, neat freakiness. He is a born leader (eric's gene) and with little words can convince a table of toddlers to bang their elbows and scream "ow" and then look sweet and innocent when the teacher turns around, clearly not banging. I know why grown men are babies, its all their mothers fault! So G-man is doing all the things toddlers do...I wish he was talking a little better, he can manipulate others to talk for him and only get by with using one or two words...maybe he's an opportunist? I love this age, the tantrums suck, but I can tell he is really starting to get things...i think my sister explained the essence of Gavin the best, she said " Thank you for teaching me to jump first, look second, and to laugh so hard I can't breathe"...ahh the tears again...but thats my boy!

Mia: Wow....She scares the shit out of me!!!! She is smarter then me by far, has more global understanding for things then any pre-K kid I know (okay, so its not that many, but i think shes pretty smart on the whole). She just learned to spell her last name...big deal you may say, HANDSCHUMACHER...thats 14 letterrs, okay..but she learned it in less than a day, like she spent 5 minutes going over it, then came up stairs and said, "mom, I can spell our last name, listen" no cheat sheet, no prompts...She is HUGE as well, (46 inches, 43lbs) shes the size of a 6 year old! She will be built like me Im pretty sure, I always looked huge (saying that like I dont anymore). She lost 2 of her bottom teeth, the dentist yesterday said "your kids are just dentally advanced" She has her 6yr old molars before 5! I want to slow her down, she is my baby girl and is way too big! So she's smart, and logical (hmmm, eric) but sensitive and emotional (thats all me!), she tries to be stubborn, but if she is pushed, she gets her feelings hurt (where the other one just blows it off), she has a crazy imagination, and has a love hate relationship with G. She is so matter of fact (eric) about things, its kinda funny to hear it coming from a 4 year old. She is wise beyond her years!! She still remains my sunshine, she has an intoxicating smile, that makes you smile too. She does not hold a grudge (me) and love unconditionally. Dont get me wrong, she is a whiney 4 year old who can make me crazy...but when i reflect, i dont see that too much with her. She made me the mom I am, and she will always be special for that.

Eric: Holy proud of him!!! My "im not a runner, running is stupid, running sucks" is a full blown runner. He made it part of his schedule and he sticks to it (wish i had some of that). He's dropped like 30lbs, and i think is happier and healthier. I hope that once spring and summer comes, we can start to run more ofter together. We went out a few times over the year, and I just feel better when hes running with me. Plus, he give me the motivation I need to keep going. He's kinda awesome. Having kids, moving, new jobs, another kid, loosing a job, surgery, another new job and life had us at each others throats the last few years, I really feel that we have found our footing here and are getting back to were things should be. I dont think a lot of young couples have the changes we had over the past few years, but we stuck it out and I feel the fog lifting. He is my best friend, the only person I really want to talk to at the end of the day. And while we have our moments, in the grand scheme of things, I could not be who I am today if it wasnt for him. He makes me so angry sometimes, but its b/c he will say the things that no one else will, he will be brutally honest and its hard to hear, but Id rather know it then not. And it amazes me that even after beging together for 10 years, we still find new things out about each other!

Me: oh me...Let me think...my highlight of 2010 would have to be the Make a Wish Triathlon I did with my aunts, sisters and cousins. We divided into 3 teams of 3. It was a fantastic experience, and while my run sucked and I didnt do nearly as well as I wanted to, I still am amazed at how awesome my family is and how proud I felt watching each of them come in. (agh tears again). My sisters were my rock for this, Kim's perseverance kept me running, Beth's motivation scared me into giving 100%. I can't wait to do it again. Having a family that will participate in these events is a lot of fun, I hope Eric will play this year. I really cant express my feelings in words on this one. It fills me with such pride to know we all were together on this. So I ran a little, did a few races. Placed 2nd in my age group on a 5K that I never intended to do well on (ran in my co-teacher who was new to running, another great feeling). And I hope I can continue with it once this weather warms up!

Up and coming for 2011: Ohhh, I am really excited about this year.

• 1.PHYSICAL CHALLENGES: Eric's running is bound to get my ass in gear and we will do some races together. I plan on doing Broad Street (10 miles) in the spring. Fingers crossed I get my self into a pool b/c i want to do a sprint tri in the summer, if I can there is a possibility of a swim in may in Fl (family event), and i will say a strong to quite strong possibility of the Philly Half in the fall, sprinkled with 5 and 10ks along the way. While I hate the daily training, finishing races is fantastic.
• 2. COSTA RICA??? still up in the air, my high school is taking a trip with kids, I am the 4th chaperon, meaning i need 24 kids to sign up...last I checked we were at 22...Eric might go as well, so that means maybe 1 more kid to sign up.....zip line in the rain forest, volcanoes, hot springs, beaches, howler monkeys...and its with my 2 besties from school, could not be a better trip!
• 3. MASTERS: I will be done my masters degree by the summer!!! Then my raise will pay off my credit card debt...but I will officially have a masters degree..
• 4. KINDERGARTEN! Mia will start kindergarten in the fall, holy shit I have a school aged kid?! Thats weird. I think Im more nervous then she is. She wanted to go this year b/c she was taller then all the other kids!
• 5. KEEPING THE PEACE: so other then the previously mentioned, I hope to just chill and keep things the way they are. I know life will throw some curve balls at us, but I feel like we are in a really good place. fingers crossed my district does not go on strike, that everyones health stays in check, and that its smooth sailing!!!

Special Thanks:

• To my family: Eric, Mia, and Gavin, you make me try my best every day, keep expectations high, I need it. I love you guys more than anything in the entire world.
  
• To the rest of my family: Thanks for you help, love and support throughout the years.
  
• Sisters: Words can't express how much I need you even though I never say it...matching jammies are my favorite!
  
• Friends: Such a weird friendship year, new connections made (and stronger then Id expect) and old connections lost (sad but expected). Those of you reading this, thanks for caring enough to keep tabs. you are all special to me in different ways and you all serve a purpose in my life. Those that come in and out of my life, thanks for the reminders of who I was, who I am and who I can be. "A reason, a season, a lifetime"

Christmas Card 2010

Bells Jingle Christmas

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Time

Where does the time go? I am terrible at blogging...Actually, I blog all the time in my head, I just never take the time to type it up. I still wish I could stream my thoughts via a wireless connection.

Its October. I am not a big fan of October...well not since October 1994. It will be 16 years since the death of my dad. It still hurts, still consumes my thoughts for at least 2 weeks leading up to "the day", makes me irritable and emotional. I think of him constantly. And while I strive to remember every detail I can, I get upset and mad that I can not remember things as clearly as I use to. I can still picture his face, hear his voice and at times, sense the energy, the feeling I would get when I was near him. I still remember the feeling in my stomach when I walked into my house after a day of school, strangely coming directly home, seeing my mom in the kitchen in tears and just knowing. Still can feel the hopelessness I felt when sitting with my sister, me holding it together and letting her break down. Then I recall the next 2 years of denial, of forgetting, of refusal to feel, of searching for a piece of my heart and not finding it. Of feeling alone and misunderstood. Of doing for everyone but me. It wasn't until moving away to West Chester that I even started to allow myself to realize the loss I have encountered. Looking back at the train wreck I was, helps me appreciate the strong person I am today. Okay, the strong person I play. For such a long time I was not strong and so reliant on others for my happiness.

My dad taught me a lot. I get mad at life for not giving me the chance to learn more, but looking at it from a fated point of view, maybe I did, maybe all I needed to know I have been given, and I am still learning. Above all my dad taught me to forgive and not hold grudges. I can remember making my dad upset, but he never was one to stay mad. He taught me to go with the flow, roll with the punches, and when all is wrong, listen to some music that makes you happy and calms your spirit. Even though the last time I saw him I was 15, he taught me about being a parent. To justify the feelings of my kids, even tough I may not agree with it or think that Mia crying over bumping her knee is over the top, she is upset and thats what she is feeling, and thats okay. I am not 100% sure if I get the "hoping for the best out of people" thing from him, but I am not sure who else I would get it from.

There is still a hole in my heart. Mia and Gavin have patched it up, but its there, and will never be filled. Sometimes I feel dumb for missing him. I have a great step dad who has taken on the father roll and is a fantastic "pop". But the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that longs for my dad remains. Its almost harder now b/c I want my kids to know him, I want to know him. How well does a 15 year old kid know their parents? Not very well at all, all that teen angst gets in the way. But for now, I will try to know as much as I can about the dad who is forever etched in my memory wearing a San Jose Sharks T-shirt, sitting in a folding chair on a sunny summer day, smiling blissfully as us as we put on some sort of "show" in the back yard. I will long to watch him sketch a drawing using nothing but lines and an ink pen. I will forever hear him sing "me and Julio" and "American Pie" on days when I cant focus on a thing. I will remember the plethora of animals we always had, holding hot pizza as we drive home with dinner, "driving" down the street, falling off his shoulders and hitting my head, obstacle course of balance beams made of 2X4s and cinder blocks. The "crick". and so many other little things from my childhood.

Time. I long for the past, try to fix my tomorrow, hope that I get through today.

Nap time blogging!

Yes, both babies, and Eric, are napping. I am not, mostly b/c I got a good nights sleep with no, yes I said NO interruptions. It was fantastic. I needed a break from everything, so I got into the car by myself (after the babies were tubbed and in bed) and drove myself to levittown to pick up my sister. We went to see Denise play a gig at a bar in Bensalem. It was kinda strange to try to get ready to go out...its not something I do often, and really have no desire to pretty myself up for creepers in a bar, so I threw on some semi cute jeans and top, threw on a hoodie and my hat and headed out....a few good things came out of this trip. 1. Got to hang with my sister and have some bonding time, not all deep sister bonding, but just to hang out wiht out worries. 2. Got to see my BFF perform and her her sing, which always makes me happy. 3. Got the surprised look from the bouncer when he carded me and 4. Was told that I look 24!!!!! (which was pretty much was the icing on my cake). Sleeping in my old room at my moms all alone was a comforting strange memory, so it was kinda hard to fall asleep, but once I was out, it was heaven!

This week was a whirl wind. On Monday one of my students was hit by a car on his way to school (by the middle school principal). Its a horrible accident for all parties involved, however I feel a little more compasion and concern for my kid. My kids are like my children away from my home, and because I have most of them for 3-4 years, I get to know them and the family very well. Not to mention that I also teach him in class....Last we heard he was air lifted to the hospital and was conscious on the scene, but later we heard that there was severe swelling on his brain that the doctors could not get under control, a broken pelvis and all the other contusions that come with getting hit by an SUV. I feel so helpless, and need to do something, but we were told to just make cards and write letters so when he is able, he can read them. I am pretty sure he is in a coma (though not sure if its medically induced or not, but thats what I figured when I was told "he is reacting to light and sound") and they had to wait for the swelling to go down to determine if there was brain damage and if he needed brain surgery. Its so sad. It makes me remember a kid in high school who was beat up, went home, had an aneurysom and was in a coma for 3 months, only to come to having to relearn everything....Again, this is one of my kids.....dont mess with my kids.

All this sudden change in life had me thinking way too much. How fast things can change, and its ironic how a change in the wrong direction can cause me so much thought, I mean change happens all the flippin time. But when bad things happen, I think about the people I say im gonna call and never do, maybe i forgot, maybe i got tired, maybe i was just too lazy to find my phone, and it made me feel guilty as hell because what if that was the last time i were to talk to that person? What if they REALLY REALLY needed me for something? All that lead to me trying to remember memories from the last few years. Its heartbreaking to know how you forget, and me, i forget things so easily, holding on to memories from forever ago is a challenge, and it pissed me off. So I started to read old journals, which was depressing as all hell. I didnt realize I was so.....EMO i guess...dark, depressed, hopeless...but thats not what I remember me being and thats not what some people remember about me, I was happy, friendly and made people laugh, I guess that means I was a fantastic actress b/c i doubt I would write the things I wrote, intended for me only, to be so over the top, so i had some deep shit going on, and looking back on the situations (relationships that went wrong, the ones that never went anywhere, the mess up friendships) I wish i knew then what I know now!

On the bright side, i guess, we had a 2 hour delay for snow on friday....and holy hell is it cold. I am not a fan of this "artic blast" and am wondering what ever happened to global warming???? Maybe i need to read up more or something b/c while i know about all the "concerns" I am being selfish and was like, bring on global warming....(this is prob. not a good statement coming from the environmental science teacher) but really, being selfish, I could use like a 10 degree annual warm up....Okay, global warming is bad, ice melting, polar bears habitat distruction, rise in ocean waters, lowering ocean temps and salinity...all those things are bad news...but my coldness is more impactful and i want that to end...Mia said to Eric today that she wants winter to be over so she can go swimming....I say, lets move!!!