Its October. I am not a big fan of October...well not since October 1994. It will be 16 years since the death of my dad. It still hurts, still consumes my thoughts for at least 2 weeks leading up to "the day", makes me irritable and emotional. I think of him constantly. And while I strive to remember every detail I can, I get upset and mad that I can not remember things as clearly as I use to. I can still picture his face, hear his voice and at times, sense the energy, the feeling I would get when I was near him. I still remember the feeling in my stomach when I walked into my house after a day of school, strangely coming directly home, seeing my mom in the kitchen in tears and just knowing. Still can feel the hopelessness I felt when sitting with my sister, me holding it together and letting her break down. Then I recall the next 2 years of denial, of forgetting, of refusal to feel, of searching for a piece of my heart and not finding it. Of feeling alone and misunderstood. Of doing for everyone but me. It wasn't until moving away to West Chester that I even started to allow myself to realize the loss I have encountered. Looking back at the train wreck I was, helps me appreciate the strong person I am today. Okay, the strong person I play. For such a long time I was not strong and so reliant on others for my happiness.
My dad taught me a lot. I get mad at life for not giving me the chance to learn more, but looking at it from a fated point of view, maybe I did, maybe all I needed to know I have been given, and I am still learning. Above all my dad taught me to forgive and not hold grudges. I can remember making my dad upset, but he never was one to stay mad. He taught me to go with the flow, roll with the punches, and when all is wrong, listen to some music that makes you happy and calms your spirit. Even though the last time I saw him I was 15, he taught me about being a parent. To justify the feelings of my kids, even tough I may not agree with it or think that Mia crying over bumping her knee is over the top, she is upset and thats what she is feeling, and thats okay. I am not 100% sure if I get the "hoping for the best out of people" thing from him, but I am not sure who else I would get it from.
There is still a hole in my heart. Mia and Gavin have patched it up, but its there, and will never be filled. Sometimes I feel dumb for missing him. I have a great step dad who has taken on the father roll and is a fantastic "pop". But the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that longs for my dad remains. Its almost harder now b/c I want my kids to know him, I want to know him. How well does a 15 year old kid know their parents? Not very well at all, all that teen angst gets in the way. But for now, I will try to know as much as I can about the dad who is forever etched in my memory wearing a San Jose Sharks T-shirt, sitting in a folding chair on a sunny summer day, smiling blissfully as us as we put on some sort of "show" in the back yard. I will long to watch him sketch a drawing using nothing but lines and an ink pen. I will forever hear him sing "me and Julio" and "American Pie" on days when I cant focus on a thing. I will remember the plethora of animals we always had, holding hot pizza as we drive home with dinner, "driving" down the street, falling off his shoulders and hitting my head, obstacle course of balance beams made of 2X4s and cinder blocks. The "crick". and so many other little things from my childhood.
Time. I long for the past, try to fix my tomorrow, hope that I get through today.
No comments:
Post a Comment