Disconnected

I rarely am at a loss for words....but more and more I find myself here. I'm currently in a state of shock, disbelief (which really is stupid), and just hurt. I keep a few close friends. Always have, always will. And I may not be the best day to day friend; I suck at calling people and making plans, I get easily distracted by my own life that I fail to recognize that others lives have continued...not that I think everyone will remain in the situation I last saw them in, but I have a hard time just being aware. When it does hit me that, wow! I have been out of the loop....I try to reconnect. Everyone who KNOWS me, understands this and if I am needed, they know I can be counted on to be there....I will drop everything to love and support a person who I have placed in my heart. And while some people may not be "long cries over coffee" friends, most people who I have had close contact with, reap the benefits of my friendship with out my emotional drama...maybe they are the smart ones!

I constantly fight the friendship battle with myself...and with eric...but mostly with myself. I am so guarded, that it takes me such a long time to make a connection...like years. So those established friends are my life line. Its where I go if I have lost part of myself on this road of life, or need familiarity, or just to be reminded that there are people who will stay...not everyone goes away...For awhile I didn't care, my "friend meter" was full...I was content...Then they started dropping like flies..okay, that's drastic, some were dropped, but its still the same feeling of loss. When I make the decision to cut the line, its for self preservation....to give me time to heal. On a few occasions, I have opened back up to allow re-entry...and am thankful for those who came back. Some are lost forever...and I feel like that is where I am now.

When denied the ability to comfort and support in a time of need, what is left of a friendship. In a time of sorrow, confusion, and anger, you are suppose to look towards those who have been around for say....over 15 years.....to hold you up. maybe it was my distorted view on the situation, maybe I was more reliant on a friendship, thus thinking it was stronger than it was...its what Im thinking...which angers me and makes me feel like a fool....I have fought for this, and to be tossed aside hurts. and i dont like to be hurt...b/c if that was me, the first place I would turn is to the people who have been there the longest...

So now Im at the fork in the road where I have to decided what to do....I hate this place, its where my head and heart do not agree, and my brain usually wins b/c my heart is too fractured. I wish cutting ties was as easy as deleting email addresses, phone numbers and facebook friends. I wish I could flip a switch so I could just not think about it....having a family helps, at least im distracted, but I always have time to have passing thoughts.

So what was my point in this post...Only a few people read it...Thanks guys....I usually don't blog for any other purpose than to vent....and get occasional feedback from FAR AWAY friends who understand that keeping in contact despite the busy life we all lead is important, and for that, you are dear to me!!!! I write to feel lighter, to provide a light for someone who may feel in the dark...what ever the reason, its to establish a connection....why am i so disconnected?