Here is my issue with a blog, I tend to want to write all my inner most feelings, and while that may not be totally appropriate, I find it difficult to type and leave out what irking me. So I try to write with a filter on, which does not really work for me. Writing is a way that I get all that emotion out, if your reading this you know me and there is a whole lotta emotion just bubbling under the surface. Good, bad, indifferent, its all there and what comes out depends on the day, the weather, my mood, the planetary alignment or direction of the wind. today i am a whole bunch of everything, or maybe I am just not sure what I am....something is in there attempting to find a channel out, but its not sure which to take.
What i love about blogging is that if you read these and you dont know me, its pretty much annoying....so those who read (Pretty much only Heather!) obviously understand me and can hear my tone, so you get it...and Im totally ADD so you appreciate how that comes across in text. People who dont know me cant follow...not that they will never learn, its just difficult for the "average" person to get me....not enough people "get me" and Im starting to think its an issue with them, not me....
I was thinking about ADD today, not my ADD, but ADD (clinically I should say ADHD, which I apparently have the H that i didnt know about, I thought i was just an energetic, silly person, my pshyc said that someone my age isnt typically this energetic and silly...i said "but dr, its just my personality, and Id really hate to loose that, and she said "and the H is part of your personality, you are a classic ADHD combined type....hmmm, all this time i thought i was just easily distracted) okay, back to where I was....on a whole, i was thinking about ADD and how its affected/shaped/changed/helped/hindered my life. Clearly I was always ADHD....CLEARLY, but never treated, and I think I turned out pretty okay, I coped, just like any old person would cope with "imperfections".....and I didnt seek "help" (aka..adderoll) until my ways negatively impacted others (eric and mia), and i wondered how different I would have been if my mom saw what was going on and did something about it...would things be different??? Im not sure. I can honestly say that Im glad I never had the opportunity to use my "issues" as a crutch, and while today I can see how it impacts my life, I would never say..."oh man, sorry, forgot my meds" or "well due to my impulsivity, I cant help blurting my true feelings out"....so many of my students use it as a crutch, and that pisses me off
Hahah...love my train of thought, I never know where its going to take me. Whats difficult is explaining the feeling of always coming up short. I always feel one step behind, always feel like im rushing, always feel like i missed something, or forgot something, and being a mom makes is soooo much worse. Inadequate is a good word, I always...always feel like im not doing it (life) as good as everyone else...even though in can see that I am, I still feel like im falling behind. How do you explain that? I am usually okay with that on some scale, I guess i have grown accustom to feeling "behind", but when i saw that i was forgetting stuff for mia, or screwing up bills, that kinda sent out warning flags that something needed to be done...so i medicated. Sure, with my raging hormones, I probably dont need any drugs in my system, but i have to say, when i started them, it was like a weight was lifted...and i take my meds daily...not according to dr. orders (she says 2 times a day) b/c i forget my second does....which i should really start to remember b/c i feel a huge difference in my ability to handle life when im on it....
Which leads me to other forces that impact my life....
work: well that can just ruin me for the week, and i do a pretty good job at leaving work at work for the most part, but physically leaving it is one thing...the emotional stress tends to stick with me, and that makes me sad. I wish i didnt have to take it so personally...maybe i shouldnt and its my fault.
home: i miss when eric was home shortly after i got home. we would either cook dinner together, or one of us would watch the baby while the other cooked, it was easy. Coming home with 2 kids, and attempting to make dinner stresses me out (medicated or not)...im not the best cook, and if i have time to focus and not be interrupted, thats one thing...but 2 kids, so yeah...add to it a dog that wont walk, dirty dishes in the sink, another dog who likes to chew everything...im about to jump off the cliff when eric comes home...and he wonders why im stressed?
I never was one to look for pity (unless it was in 5th grade playing kick ball an id twist my ankle), but just once I would like to be recognized for all that I do (like every other working mom im sure), but to have real honest to god appreciation for it all. And im not the best at everything, and i honestly dont think i ever could be, but for just someone to really notice. And mothers day doesnt count, i dont want to be recognized only on mothers day...i dont do shit on mothers day...
See now my inner "whats really bothering me" is coming out, and I kinda dont think i want to blog about all that...so I will stop here...my next mission: mom of 2 seeks mom friend, cause at one point in time, i had some friends...
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First of all I have you on my reader and read every post... so there! ;)
ReplyDeleteI hear ya on the craziness. While I'm not a paid for working mom, staying at home with two kids, a house to clean, and a husband that something has to work 70 hour work weeks is enough to drive anyone insane.
for dinners, we try to make a menu each week which helps me greatly because I forget about dinner until like 530 and then it's the mad dash to clean the kitchen, prep, and cook. I HATE cooking!!! heh. But SOME people don't want to eat cereal for dinner ever night. Whatev!
As for ADHD...sigh. I believe that it is out there, but I, too, think it's being used as a crutch. I think that sometimes parents just need a break from their bad parenting and use this as an excuse. This is definitely not always the case, but instead of sucking it up and supporting teachers and figuring out how to help their kids without meds, they blame it on something else. I find it hard to believe that while we were in school there was MAYBE 1 or 2 kids diagnosed with ADHD and now the rate is much higher. Sigh.
I applaud you for making it through life without meds, and then realizing the need for them and doing what is best for you and your family!
I think that mothers never get the recognition they deserve whether working or not and it is really hard to continue doing a thankless job sometimes. Those are the days I hit Little Caesars and turn the TV on. And when Jerry hits the door, I hit the shower!
For what it's worth, you are a rocking mom and wife and teacher and cook!!!!
I agree... I also read your posts and find it so reassuring that you have some of the same thoughts that I do...
ReplyDeleteYou have a fantastic and contagious spirit and I think thats awesome, I can only hope that some of that rubs off on me once in a while when we can find time to hang out... Playdate? I'm up for figuring something out anytime... I can definitely use Mom friends... I used to really enjoy those afternoons, and I think it would be great to see Gavin and Aaron come head to head, who would win? We have some tough boys, now that they can hold their own, we should get them together to play again :-) I respect so much the job that you do at school, and at home!